Showing off can turn off a potential romance
QUESTION: I’m a 38-year-old male, been in a few long-term relationships. I decided to give online/app dating a go. The women I met were decent.
Then I met her. It was a simple coffee date, with a wonderful walk, skipping stones by the lake, sharing our interests, ideas, experiences. The conversation was very natural and fluid, we laughed the whole night.
I quickly realized this person was as beautiful on the inside as much as she was on the outside. It was the best date I ever had. At the end of the night, I walked her home and we exchanged two long hugs and agreed to see each other again.
We texted each other the next morning and chatted for a short while. I knew she had weekend plans, so I thought it’d be best to give her space and follow up Monday to plan our second date.
That day, we talked about our past weekend. She asked for my best picture . . . without thinking I sent her one I’d taken a while back. It;s been in a few local magazines and can be found online (I’m an avid photographer).
I didn’t hear from her for a day. When she replied, she had the impression I lied about the pic and it wasn’t mine. She wished me all the best! I was shocked. Is it worth reaching out to her? It’s pretty easy to show her the proof, but I don’t want to look desperate. She just doesn’t want to be misled and I can respect that.
I disabled my dating account to show she had my undivided attention. Then I decided to just get back on the horse. Since her text, I’ve met a couple of people and all I think about is her. It seems odd, but after one date my heart doesn’t want to give up and potentially throw away a great thing over something so trivial.
Confused
ANSWER: There’s something confusing in this account. It seemed you were going to send a photo about your weekend.
Then you sent this semi-pro pic that turned her off. Maybe she thought you were too full of yourself — or maybe there was something in the image that got to her, i.e. where it was taken, what you were wearing. Who knows? Still, follow your heart and try to reach her. Apologize for having upset her. Tell her how much you wish for a second chance to show your sincerity. It may be too much too soon for her — after all, you don’t know what in her past has made her so leery of a rush. But it’s worth a try. So long as you don’t overwhelm her or keep after her if she says she’s just not interested.
QUESTION: I’m 22, female, and deeply believe in God. My weakness is a strong addiction to pornography. It’s wrong, but I can’t control it. After I confessed to a friend, it started all over again. It’s a black mark to my character and I’m now unable to pray to God. I want to be His lovable little child again.
Ashamed ANSWER: You’re a very young woman and, I suspect, innocent sexually. Pornography isn’t the norm for sexual behaviour. Much of it portrays hard-core sexual acts that are marketed to shock, excite, and create an addiction. But it’s clearly not what you feel is right for you and that’s caused deep guilt feelings.
Talk to a counsellor. Your addiction isn’t a denial of God; it’s a brain chemical reaction to arousal, which is a normal human response. When you learn to withdraw from watching porn, the interest will lessen. You need some counselling sessions to distance from it.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.