Boyfriend suddenly changes behaviour
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of almost three months was born visually impaired and is unable to drive, so I do all the driving.
We both live at home. I’m 22, this is my first relationship.
Things were amazing, then several weeks ago we started arguing about everything. Before that, he’d text, call, make me feel the most important person in his life.
He still says he’s in love with me and wants to stay with me!
I think his mother’s a big part of the problem, which started after he failed his college classes.
Now, only when we’re together in person and going out on a date, does he act like he did before.
I’m confused about what to do. — New At This
ANSWER: Try to understand what’s actually happening before you try to fix it.
His mother’s likely wanting him to give more time to his studies, take make-up courses, re-write exams later, etc. She ís worried about his future. That ís a normal parental concern.
The pressure’s undoubtedly affecting his mood, limiting his free time for frequent texts and calls, and making him argumentative due to tension.
This is the reality he has to deal with right now. He needs your support through it.
Show both him and his mother that you only want to help in any way you can — helping him study if you can, or just accepting that there’s less time for going out right now.
DEAR ELLIE: My office supervisor is smart, efficient, and helpful.
The problem is she’ll ask me to get a coffee with her, then ask questions about my personal life and make judgments like, “You need to change how you handle that.”
How can I tell her that my personal life’s my business, without ruining our work relationship? — Upset and Judged
ANSWER: Change the topic back to work-related matters. Put her in a “box” in your mind — whenever you’re together, you ask the questions about the job, the industry it’s in, etc. If necessary, avoid some coffee breaks with her by being “busy” with work.
DEAR ELLIE: I was at a good friend’s birthday party last week and a bunch of us from high
school were there (we’re all in our 40s now).
When the waiter came over to serve our drinks, he turned out to be one of our old high-school buddies. Some of the guests were awkward about this, but I found it rude. He’s an artist and has been exhibited in a few galleries, yet they treated him like an outsider. — Disgusted
ANSWER: I’m hoping you led by example, greeted your old friend warmly, spoke enthusiastically about his art work, inquired about future projects, and engaged him in chat when time allowed.
Your friends who were awkward are either socially inept or snobs. But hopefully, they’re still, at 40, capable of learning and opening their minds to a world beyond themselves.
Follow your artist friend’s work. Inform the others when he has another exhibit.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who purposefully skipped her sister’s wedding:
Reader — “She did this to stay home and sulk?
“It’s over the top emotional manipulation.
“I disagree that the writer should consider forgiveness once more. The sister’s pattern of behaviour is consistent, and it sends up red flags of emotional abuse.
“Holding onto that concept of forgiving once more means you hope (or expect) the sister will behave differently at some point.
“It also means that the writer will continue to tread this agonizing cycle of hurt feelings, self-analysis, and choosing whether to forgive.
“It’s unfair that one person carries the burden of the emotional labour in this relationship.
“Instead, the writer should be asking herself whether or not she has the energy for her sister, and if she does, how she plans to tolerate her interactions with her sister.
“This website has helped me tolerate contact with emotionally abusive people: http://outofthefog.website/.”
TIP OF THE DAY When a new partner’s behaviour suddenly changes, learn what’s happening before you try to “fix” things. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.