Sibling denied chance to see dying Mom
DEAR ELLIE: Something extremely hurtful happened three years ago and I can’t let it go.
My mother passed away. We’d fought two years before and could never make up, despite my many attempts.
When she passed, my five siblings, nieces and nephews, were with her in the hospital.
For weeks I’d been contacting my siblings to see how Mom was doing. I still loved her.
She actually spent two weeks dying in the hospital but they all said she was fine and led me to believe that she was at home.
I didn’t learn she’d passed until afterwards.
When I asked why I wasn’t informed, my siblings said that she didn’t want me there.
I can’t believe that. I was her daughter. Wouldn’t she have wanted to say goodbye to me and me to her, despite the fight?
I wanted to say I was sorry and tell her I loved her. But I was denied that!
I think my brother who lived with her called the shots and they listened to him.
Now two siblings want nothing to do with me. The others only check up on me once a year, which I’ve ignored.
Should I acknowledge them or keep them out of my life? — Hurting and Angry Sister
ANSWER: How terribly meanhearted of whomever assured that you were denied that chance to apologize and express love to your dying mother!
And how weak and thoughtless for others to go along with it.
I can’t help wondering if there wasn’t an ulterior motive related to finances, e.g. your mother’s house and assets.
That said, I understand that your pain is not about money. But your question IS about being denied an equal place as a daughter when your mother and you both needed to find peace and forgiveness.
The family members who’ve shut you out deserve no time from you, in person or in thought.
But the ones who check in do perhaps care about you.
Respond. Ask about your nieces and nephews. Having even one person respond as true “family” may help you put the pain behind you.
Reader’s Commentary
“Regarding the woman wanting to start a family and asking about daycare.
“She made twice as muchas her husband does and felt he could restart his career anytime.
“She obviously values the importance of proper parenting. However, he didn’t want to stay at home with kids because he thought that was “unfulfilling!”
“I’ve been a stay-at-home father for 13 years and have raised three children. Previously, I had a job making real money!
“I’ve always struggled with not working, but realize the invaluable contribution I’ve made to my family.
“My wife’s career has boomed, and we’ve prospered as a family.
“However, too many people publicly belittle stay-at-home parents.
“Too many people say things like, “If I was at home I’d be sooooo bored!”
“But I know the real work that’s involved and the challenges faced.
“Some people are always shocked at the sticker price of daycare because they think it should be cheap, believing the people that do it are “losers” who can’t make it in the real world.
“As well, their children are sometimes not well adjusted because Mom or Dad are hardly ever around or too tired to be emotionally available.
“I believe strongly that you live your life as you choose!
“However, I’m fed up with having to politely say nothing as others complain about child-care costs and the hassles of family life.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman’s “whirlwind romance” with an older businessman (May 27):
Reader — “If this man is angry and yells insults at her because she has a priority in her life (overdue taxes) that temporarily prevents her from being at his beck and call, that’s not love. “He’s using her. “A good and loving partner would be supportive and patient, and even offer to help out in some form.
“It sounds like he’s too selfish for a serious relationship with her!
“Three months into the relationship, she’s starting to see the cracks form in the carefully constructed image of his expressions of love. It’s she who should be judging him about this incident.”
Ellie — Agreed. His sudden turn towards nasty putdowns created loud alarms.
She needs to watch for other of his flash-temper triggers and recognize whether the “whirlwind” is a cover for too-soon romance with someone too wrong for her.
TIP OF THE DAY Relatives who purposefully lie and exclude you from a dying parent’s bedside aren’t “family” to you.
Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children.