Cheating partners: Trust will define future of relationship

QUESTION: My relationship with my boyfriend of seven months was perfect, until he decided to cheat on me.

He had sex with this girl after his best friend was done fooling around with her (he was also attached; classy boys, eh?).

The next day he confessed to having sex with her because he was tempted and intoxicated. I know that’s no excuse. For two months since, he’s been spoiling me with flowers, favourite things and even homemaking gifts of our memories together. I’m unsure if this just shows that he’s feeling guilty or actually wanting me back.

I still love the guy, and he isn’t giving up, but I don’t know what to do. I respect him for telling me, but he betrayed our relationship and most of all our friendship. Are forgiveness and a second chance an option?

Confused and Pursued ANSWER: Take a closer read of what you wrote: He decided to cheat, tempted and intoxicated is no excuse.

You may still love him, but you certainly recognize that he’s flawed, which means he’s capable of doing this again.

A second chance is almost always an option in relationships but won’t work without real forgiveness. You’re not there yet. His gifts aren’t enough to convince you.

Instead, discuss openly what tempted and intoxicated mean to him.

Discuss how much he drinks, how often, and how it affects him, to decide whether it’s an issue that’ll keep affecting your relationship. Ask why he was tempted, because there will always be other attractive, sexy, available women out there.

Is that an issue in his character, or do you truly believe he won’t risk this again? Also, get tested for STI’s. The second-chance decision is up to you. QUESTION: I’m a young, female professional. I met my boyfriend when he was living with his then-girlfriend, and I was dating someone, but lived with a roommate.

Once we were both single, we began a relationship which became serious six months later.

We had a great time together and with friends, talking, laughing, and telling stories. Four months along, I received an eviction notice from my apartment. The owners had sold. Five days after that, my father died unexpectedly. The next few months were a blur.

My boy-friend, my roommate, and I all rented a new place together. It’s been three months and we’ve been fighting constantly.

Some major issues emerged (if known before, I wouldn’t have moved in with him), but I’ve tried to get past them because we’re committed in this living situation. There’s constant bickering about little things, too.

He’s a wonderful person but I’m wondering if, during my grief, we accelerated the relationship. I often feel trapped. I’m still sad and household conflicts are tiring.

I care about him a lot but I’m longing for peace and just to be happy again.

Tired of Conflicts ANSWER: You haven’t had time for peace or grieving.

A rental lease is a commitment of money and time. But it’s not enough to bind people in love and life. The bickering is an alert to both you and your boyfriend. You need to acknowledge to each other that this move was too hasty, with wrong timing for you.

Start grief counselling as soon as possible (found through your faith community, a social agency, a therapist).

Allow each other respectful distance and consider one of you sub-letting and moving out. You both need a break. But you can agree to let the future be open to discussion after several months apart.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman who was being pressured to invest as part of a couple along with her boyfriend’s two younger brothers and their partners, in a cottage to share together (June 6):

Reader: Don’t do it. I went against my better judgement and bought a vacation property with my family. I let emotions and family obligation be my guide instead of good financial and common sense.

I’ve been in an awful, years-long battle trying to fix this mess. You think you know people, but people change, especially when it comes to money. When this situation is through, there will be nothing left but bitterness and regret between us. We will likely never talk to each other again. Worst mistake of my life!

Ellie: As I wrote, it’s a delicate matter for many reasons. But no one should invest in a shared housing situation they don’t want because of other people’s pressure. TIP OF THE DAY A second chance for a cheater won’t work without trust. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca.