Conquering separation anxiety
Dear Brenda Lee: My child is 4-years-old and will be attending Kindergarten this fall. He is still clinging and whiny when we leave him with a sitter or friends when we need a night out or time away and has even had trouble separating from us during daycare drop-off.
Our first few months with the centre did not go well and he cried and did not want me to leave. We eventually decided to have a part-time nanny come in to our home to alleviate the anxiety and worry that he exhibits. We are also expecting our second child this September and feel a sense of panic that our next child will also struggle with separation issues.
Our friend’s 6-year-old has had similar issues with separation from the ages of 2-6 and has developed an anxiety disorder. I am concerned that my son will have separation issues entering Kindergarten because of his anxiety.
I also feel anxious and stressed and wonder what we can all do to function more positively. We need help! -Concerned about separation anxiety
Dear Concerned: It's natural for young children to feel anxious when you say goodbye. Although it can be difficult, separation anxiety is a typical stage of development. With understanding and coping strategies, it can be relieved and should fade as your child matures emotionally and social.
In some children, however, fears about separation seem to only intensify as time passes, or will resurface out of the blue.
If anxieties are excessive and persistent enough to get in the way of school or other social activities, it is possible that the child could have a separation anxiety disorder.
Unlike typical separation anxiety, this condition may require the support of a professional — but there are strategies that parents can do to help.
Separation anxiety in the early childhood years; crying, tantrums, or clinginess are healthy reactions to separation.
Separation anxiety can begin before a child’s first birthday, and may pop up again or last until a child is four or five years old, but both the intensity level and timing of separation anxiety vary tremendously from child to child.
A little worry over leaving mom or dad is normal, even when your child is older. You can ease your child’s anxiety by staying patient and consistent, and by gently but firmly setting limits.
Some children, however, experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away, even with a parent’s best efforts. These children experience a continuation or reoccurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary school years or beyond.
If anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships, and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of a larger problem: separation anxiety disorder.
For children with typical separation anxiety, there are steps you can take to make the process of separation easier.
• Practice separation often. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first and then longer as they become more comfortable and secure.
• For younger children, schedule separations after naps or feedings. Babies and children are more susceptible to separation anxiety when they’re tired or hungry.
• Develop a goodbye ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window, a goodbye kiss or a silly song and dance.
• Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar. Have the sitter/caregiver come to your house.
When your child is away from home, let him or her bring a familiar object, special toy or a piece of your clothing.
• Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go -- don’t stall.
• Minimize “scary” television. Research states that your child will be less likely to be fearful if the shows you watch in early childhood are not frightening.
• Try not to give in. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine--setting limits will help the adjustment to separation. Especially for the child starting Kindergarten, being firm but loving will help your child with this new transition to a new school, giving in and letting him leave with you will send all the wrong messages. Tips for helping your child feel safe and secure • Provide a consistent pattern for the day. Don’t underestimate the importance of predictability for children with separation problems. If your family’s schedule is going to change, discuss it ahead of time with your child.
• Offer choices. If your child is given a choice or some element of control in an activity or interaction with an adult, he or she may feel more safe and comfortable.
Tips for encouraging healthy separation and independence
• Keep calm during separation. If your child sees that you can remain calm, he or she is more likely to be calm, too.
• Support the child’s participation in activities. Encourage your child to participate in healthy social and physical activities.
• Praise your child’s efforts. Use the smallest of accomplishments, going to bed without a fuss, as reason to give your child positive reinforcement.
Children with anxious parents may be more prone to separation anxiety. In order to help your child overcome separation anxiety, you may need to take measures to become calmer and more centered yourself.
Many parents go through the same struggles and issues that you are facing.
Reach out to other parents with children of similar age and stage, talk to your family doctor, seek out professionals in the Early Childhood Field, and remember that you are not alone on this journey through parenthood.
“Dear Brenda Lee” (Formerly known as “Dear Ms. Barber”) is written by author and advice columnist, Brenda Lee Fisher, an early learning expert with 35 years' experience working with children of all ages and specializing in the early years. Brenda has been a preschool teacher, Early Childhood Education college coordinator/instructor, StrongStart BC facilitator and Professional Development/Workshop Presenter. This column appears monthly in The Herald. To offer a question for this column email: earlylearningexpert@gmail.com