Peacock begs, please respect the fire ban

It has been a while since I’ve last written a column but I need a quick cash grab because my company lost the bid from the City of Penticton for the sandbag removal contract.

I won’t have any trouble finding a topic, there’s been a lot going on in the news.

Donald J. Trump’s son and son-inlaw are in trouble for meeting with a Russian lawyer to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton. I don’t think that was necessary, did they ever think of just doing a Google search? But rather than use such words as “unethical” and “treason,” I prefer the word “strategy.” It’s not against the law to cheat, it’s just against the law to cheat and get caught.

Meanwhile, the world thought we had finally solved the 80-year-old mystery of Amelia Earhart when a photograph showed up of the famed aviator only to discover it was published in a book two years prior to her disappearance. I think people need to get over this one. She ran out of gas! Case closed.

I’m also glad to see OJ Simpson is getting out of jail. Nine years for taking back what was rightfully his seems a little harsh. I once lent an ex-girlfriend my vinyl copies of “Pet Sounds” and “Dark Side of the Moon”but forgot which one so I truly understand the Juice’s frustration. When she finally return them, they were scratched.

The Chinese government also won’t let Justin Bieber into their country due to his past “bad behaviour.” Come on, “One Less Lonely Girl” wasn’t that bad of song! We all did stupid things when we were younger. I do have tremendous respect for the arts in China, where would we be without all of those great Bruce Lee movies from the 1970s?

Let’s now discuss the issue that’s on the mind of not only myself but every other species which lives in the forest — wildfire season.

If people won’t listen to warnings from our politicians, firefighters and police, perhaps they’ll take the advice of an imaginary peacock from Naramata.

Don’t throw cigarettes butts out of car windows! Don’t start campfires! The results can be catastrophic. I call these people “butt holes.” Thank God for our brave men and women who fight fires. I love them!

I don’t go to Okanagan Falls that often, maybe once a summer for a cone at Tickleberrys and I let my Legion membership expire when my dart team folded. It angers me to learn that someone in OK Falls had a campfire burning resulting in an $1,150 fine from the fire department.

Go sing ‘Kumbaya’ and toast marshmallows in Alberta, or better still, Ontario. Get the hell out of B.C.!

An $1,150 fine is a nice start but it’s not enough! Anyone who throws a butt should be fined a minimum of $10,000, spend the weekend in jail with a bad ass cell mate, and be forced to attend a School District 67 meeting.

I quit smoking years ago and I have sympathy for people who need to smoke but during fire season, go on the patch. I was able to kick the habit with Nicorette chewing gum.

Richard Peacock is a bird in the genera Pavo and Afropavo of the Phasianidae family who now lives in Naramata. This column is intended strictly as media satire only.