My girlfriend refuses to make a clean break with her ex

QUESTION: I’m 31, seeing someone for a couple of months. It’s moving fast, we’ve already met each other’s families, and have been very close. I love her and think she could be my lifelong companion.

She’s very close with her ex-boyfriend, talking to him daily. I’ve had trouble accepting this. I learned that she had sex with him, following one of our earliest dates.

She’d shared a couple of calendars with him (until I told her to remove it, which she did).

I’ve just discovered that she sends photos of herself trying on clothes in change-rooms (not salacious photos but she’s sending the same ones to both of us).

I’ve asked her to stop talking to and seeing him, so I could feel better about things. She refuses, saying he’s a close friend. I’ve tried to compromise. I suggested they chat online but not see each other in person. She wouldn’t agree.

She made me promise to not tell anyone about her having sex with him right after having a date with me.

Am I overreacting? What should I do? — Heartsick

ANSWER: She’s not ready for another relationship. She may think she is, but she’s not got both her feet and full heart into it.

She still thinks her ex is very important in her life. Having sex with him right after you started dating is upsetting, but not that surprising. She was clinging to the past. She’s right to be ashamed and wants it kept secret.

But you can’t go forward until she agrees that your relationship must now take precedence.

Since she refuses, I believe you need to call a break. Things moved too fast, she hasn’t disconnected from her ex.

To get back together, she must treat him as an old friend to whom she’s no longer attached, doesn’t seek his opinion/flattery for her clothing, and makes sure he acknowledges that you’re her only boyfriend.

Be clear about these boundaries, or you’ll still be worrying about him in the future.

QUESTION: My wife and I recently divorced after 25 years, four kids, and lots of good (and hard) times. She’s completely fallen off the deep end. She wants nothing to do with our two teenagers nor our two adult children who are in their twenties.

She’s constantly travelling (using her family’s wealth) has a series of very young boyfriends, and is acting like she’s 20 again without a care in the world.

I can handle this, though I’m stunned by her behaviour. But the children are flabbergasted, so hurt, and totally confused.

How can I help them get through this bizarre change when I barely understand it myself? — Devastating Changes

ANSWER: If ever a family needed professional help through an ongoing process, it’s you and your four children, including the adults.

Their mother has turned all your memories and understanding of her upside down. The children must question everything they ever thought about her, and likely you do too.

Absorbing these changes will take time and patience. Meanwhile, your ex-wife may experience several more stages of bizarre behaviour, or even turn around and try to re-establish a relationship with some among you.

Encourage all the children to attend counselling, on their own if they prefer. Talk openly with each of them. Reassure them that none of this is their fault, was expected, or could’ve been prevented by any of you.

Stay close. They need the balance of your emotional strength and unconditional love.

QUESTION: My father-in-law only feels ‘loved’ when he’s drinking. His kids and grandkids grew up without him, as he was too busy with his drinking friends.

He wastes his money on drinking which is also damaging his health.

His wife raised their two kids and a granddaughter. He couldn’t pick the girl up from school due to being drunk.

I warned my husband about alcohol addiction, which runs in his family. His father doesn’t want to fight his addiction. How can we help him? — Upset

ANSWER: Help yourselves first, through the lessons learned from his wasted years of drunken distance from those who would’ve loved him.

Stay close and supportive to your husband and any children, and also your long-suffering mother-in-law.

Many families of alcoholics know too well the destructive results of excess drinking.

Your father-in-law’s poor health may be the one factor that can change his addiction, if he gets scared enough. Insist he gets a medical check-up.

TIP OF THE DAY

A rush to a relationship romance may not allow for a real break from a past lover.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.

Email: ellie@thestar.ca. Follow her on Twitter at: @ellieadvice.