Son endangering mom’s marriage

QUESTION: Seven months ago, I married a woman I’d dated for three years. We’re both in our 50s. She has three children; I have one son, 21.

We have almost equal net worth and both have professional careers (I earn 25 per cent more than her).

She’s scheduled for part-time work soon. She’ll start planning our dream home that we’ll build. I love her dearly.

However, her youngest son lived with us one summer at 21. That almost ended our relationship.

He’d come home from his co-op work-term job “too tired” to clean his mess in the kitchen, leaving me to clean after him though I worked 10-11 hours.

He’s now finishing university, his tuition, and school living expenses all paid for by a family trust for her children’s education. His earnings are used for extras and fun.

When he recently started his last work term, he borrowed several thousand dollars from his mother for apartment rent and clothes required for the job.

He claims that he’ll repay her, but he keeps buying things on his credit card. I can’t see the loan ever being repaid (her other children never repaid her loans).

We share all household expenses. I also pay for the costs toward our future home from my savings.

Once she’s part-time, I doubt she’ll be able to continue sharing her half of the expenses, as she has many personal expenses (i.e. personal trainer, massage therapy, etc).

I don’t mind carrying more of the expenses when it’s for us, but since she likely won’t get repaid, it feels like I’ll be working longer than I want to.

I’m disappointed that she isn’t pursuing getting the money back. It makes me feel angry, because her son doesn’t respect that it’s partly my very hard-earned money.

ANSWER: It’s all about her son. He took advantage of your willingness to clean up (you could’ve left it for his mother to clean) and you haven’t forgiven his easy-care attitude.

You clearly raised your kids in different ways. She had the family trust money for their education and forgave her kids’ “loans.”

But if you overreact, it could divide you.

There’s seemingly enough money between you. You agreed to her working part-time. Overseeing the house project is part of her contribution.

Back off. Point out, gently, that you both know he won’t repay so she may have trouble maintaining her share of expenses.

Then drop it. Unless you have some mutual solutions, leave the shortfall up to her.

QUESTION: I worked with a girl for a year before she returned to school. We went separate ways.

Before, I’d confessed to her that I liked her. She said that she’d divorced three years ago and wasn’t seeking a relationship.

She was telling me no in a nice way. We still occasionally communicate.

My confession was a year ago and my feelings for her persist.

I wish I’d never met her. I’ve been raised in a very traditional/conservative way. My parents take marriage and divorce very seriously and it greatly influenced me.

I still like her. However, I want to forget and not think about her. What should I do?

ANSWER: Recognize that your feelings are now just fantasy recall. Neither you nor your parents would’ve easily accepted her divorce. She was just being honest.

Stop contact and look to meet someone who shares your core values. You’ll have those feelings again. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca.