Homophobic parents

DEAR ELLIE: I’m a 21-year-old closeted gay male in a six-year relationship with a man, though still living with my parents.

I’m out to friends and some extended family; but my immediate family, including parents, are unaware of this integral aspect of my life.

I’m extremely involved with his family, and it pains me that he doesn’t, and won’t ever, have that relationship with my family.

My parents are extremely religious and homophobic. I’d be kicked out and ostracized.

My goal is to get a full-time job in my field and move out when I can afford it. However, as a recent graduate, I have a lot of student debt that I’m currently paying back to my parents, interestfree.

The duplicity has begun to diminish my happy-go-lucky character, and I’ve been struggling with constant anxiety and depression.

I don’t know whether to come out and take a huge financial hit, or stick to my plan of coming out after I finish paying my parents the $15,000 I owe. What’s your thought? — Torn

ANSWER: You’re very capable of relying on your own thoughts.

You entered into a committed relationship at 15, knowing the risk you were taking with your parents’ approval. The relationship’s lasted, you’ve stayed with your education, and have clear goals.

If you ask several people their thoughts, you’ll get as many answers.

Examples: 1) You needed your parents’ financial help, why rock the boat?

2) You’re living with your parents while disrespecting their values, speak up and acknowledge who you are.

Along with being a gay male, another man’s partner, a student, you’re also their son.

Make a choice about coming out to them based on what you can live with, doing the least harm to the fewest people you care about and who care about you.

DEAR ELLIE: How unacceptable is it to address a wedding invitation (to a family member) as Mr. Spouse and “guest” when it’s common knowledge “Mr. Spouse” has been married for 25 years.

There’s no love lost between the “guest” and the bride and her father.

To the “guest,” it’s apparent this is intentional. What should this “guest” say and/or do? — Uncertain Response

ANSWER: It’s an intentional slur and insulting to both members of the couple. If the relationship is as sour as this appears, even the invitation is suspect. Neither “Mr. Spouse” nor “guest” are wanted at the wedding.

However, while it’s not clear, it seems that this is about the divorced, possibly estranged father of the bride, and his wife who’s never been accepted or acknowledged.

If so, and the father feels strongly about attending, go together. Don’t let the invitation’s nastiness become public fact. Be gracious, wish the couple well, and leave if you’re treated rudely.

TIP OF THE DAY Tough no-win decisions regarding family often have to start with being true to yourself. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.