Relationship terrific but sex sadly lacking

DEAR ELLIE: I’m three years into a relationship with one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. He ticks the check list off in full. However, I dislike the sex.

I receive zero sexual gratification with him. I’ve tried to show him what gets me going, but he has no technique whatsoever.

He’s not well equipped and refused to perform oral on me but is over-eager to receive it.

He gets offended when I suggest he try this or that. The topic has become difficult for me.

I do love him and truly want him in my life, and I know it’s mutual.

When I think of him as a partner it’s all “aaahhh”... but when I think about the sex .... well, it’s “ewww.”

ANSWER: After three years, you’ve clearly separated the man from the intimate act. That’s accommodation.

Three years from now, it may well be divisive.

Your “crossroads” isn’t just about leaving or staying, there are other possibilities.

You can rely on self-pleasuring for sexual release. You could read sex manuals together to improve his technique.

He could see a sex therapist about his aversion to some sexual acts. You could both agree to your having an outside lover. Or you could decide on your own to cheat.

Meanwhile, you say you love the guy.

Be honest with him and say how crucial it is that you work together on improving your sexual relationship, with gratification for both of you.

Say that you need to learn together how to excite each other and feel more connected sexually.

If he’s unwilling or it doesn’t work, and you don’t want to manage sex/cheat on your own, your crossroads will eventually lead away from him.

Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.