Man cheats, lies about child with other woman

DEAR ELLIE: Towards the end of last year, I learned from a friend/co-worker that my boyfriend of six years cheated on me during the first year of our relationship and had a child with the woman.

He kept the child and cheating a secret from me this whole time, even though he has his child 50 per cent of the time.

I guess he’s a great liar. I tried to work through things, forgive him, and accept his child, but Iím having problems trusting him and moving forward.

Something in my gut doesn’t feel right, and I know I can’t marry him or trust him enough to have a child with him myself.

Is this something I should and can work through? Is it even worth it?

— Seriously Confused

ANSWER: You don’t mention loving him ñ a clear sign that youíre feeling emotional distancing from him.

Add your distrust and you’re absolutely right to not marry or have a child with him. Maybe not at all, but certainly not until you’ve resolved your feelings about what’s happened.

You’ve written all about him, when the focus of how to move on should be directly about you.

Does he bring enough to the relationship to continue as your partner?

Has he been contrite, apologetic, and explained why he felt it was okay to cheat on you?

It sounds like you’re the only one bending over backwards to make this work.

You need a true partner — offering love, comfort, affection, as well as shared responsibilities.

If my questions are hard to answer, you’d benefit by talking to an individual counsellor to figure out whether staying with him is right for you.

DEAR ELLIE: My mother’s been neglecting any self-hygiene. It’s becoming intolerable. Her health’s failing. She refuses my help or any guidance I offer, turning nasty in response.

Someone suggested that she’s too embarrassed to address her failing health. Her teeth fall out, she can barely walk, she’s very overweight, and maybe has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD).

She doesn’t bathe — she visited me for seven days without showering!! It’s gross, embarrassing me, and I can’t deal with it anymore. But she’s my mother.

— Torn

ANSWER: Getting grossed out does nothing to help your mother. She needs a medical check, diagnosis, and treatment. She’s undoubtedly scared even more than embarrassed. At this point, your concerns have to be all about her, not your discomfort.

Tell her you love her and want her alive and well. Book the doctor appointment and go with her, with notes about specific health problems. She needs your help, and you can give it.

TIP OF THE DAY

Silence/lies about a “secret” child through cheating calls for re-thinking the whole relationship.