Volatile ex-husband
DEAR ELLIE: My husband and I divorced 12 years ago. He’s an alcoholic; it was a rough marriage.
He was especially hard on our youngest daughter, and often compared her negatively to our two older girls.
He now lives overseas and rarely travels to see his daughters (twice).
When his elderly mother became ill, he asked if he could stay with us. Our youngest daughter, 22, and her boyfriend live with me, and my husband of six years.
We all agreed, knowing it wouldn’t be easy. But it turned out worse than we expected.
His actions took our daughter back to years of feeling “not-goodenough” for him.
He also insulted her boyfriend. My husband had to be restrained from throwing him out.
When he left after two weeks, we all said, “Never again!”
How do I handle this? Should I email him describing the harm he caused yet again to his daughter? Or just cut off any contact from him with her and us? — Never Again
ANSWER: A Goodbye-Forever speech won’t be necessary.
Though it’s understandable that you’d like to hurl back descriptions of his hurtful actions, it’s up to your daughter to speak for herself, if she ever chooses to do so.
But there are two other daughters, his mother, and family members who’d be part of the drama that might erupt from that move.
He lives far away. If he ever asks to stay over again, the answer is “No.”
Meanwhile, help your daughter recover emotionally with calm, loving support.
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend and I lived together for five months, but his family interfered and he broke up with me one month ago.
He suddenly said, “You need to pack up your things,” because his aunt was coming over.
I cried because he wouldn’t fight for me. But he said he’d fight for our relationship in other ways.
Because I loved him so much, I believed him and moved out.
After a few days, he said he wants some space and is too stressed about his family being against me.
I cried and he comforted me, but after two days he blocked me on social media, including my personal number. I couldn’t contact him.
Then he broke up with me by email.
I now know he doesn’t love me anymore. I went to his apartment twice, but it ended badly. He never even spoke to me the second time.
I don’t know how to move on. — Feeling Lost
ANSWER: Though every breakup story is different and deeply personal, the “moving-on” route is pretty similar.
That’s a good thing, because it means that countless others have done it, and you can, too.
Start with getting up in the morning, washing your face from any tears, and putting one foot in front of the other. If you have work, go to it and focus hard on your tasks. If you don’t have work, look for it, or for some other purpose that involves getting outside your living space.
Share your feelings only with people who truly care about you — family, friends.
But do NOT turn to a new potential partner.
Not until you’re clear about what you have to offer to a relationship and why you’ll never again accept someone who says he loves you, but doesn’t stand up for you.
If, after a few weeks of trying, you can’t work at this process on your own, then seek professional counselling through community agency websites, your employment benefits, or Internet listings for local therapists.
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve had issues at home, my romantic life’s nonexistent, financial trouble, a car accident, I was hospitalized, etc.
I’m very depressed — lost my motivation, and my thoughts have turned somewhat dark.
I don’t know how to pick myself up anymore.
I wish I could feel as positive as I used to, but it’s as if I have nothing left to look forward to. — Close to Giving Up
ANSWER: Who would not be depressed from all that? Yet, there’s plenty of reasons for hope ahead.
How? Well, the accident’s over, you’re out of the hospital. One thing at a time can get better, so long as you DON’T give up.
Depression holds you back. See your doctor, and start some treatment. If medication’s required, ask for something to lift your mood, but not addictive or oversedating. You do have your life ahead. Talk to your bank’s financial adviser, get back out with people. You’ll eventually find romance again.
TIP OF THE DAY Some ex-partners demonstrate that they can’t be considered even as “former family members” anymore.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.