He hit you once, he’ll do it again
QUESTION: I’ve been seeing this guy since January. We’ve had a rocky relationship from the get-go. But everything’s really good when it’s good.
I love him to the ends of the earth, and he does as well. Last week, we took some time off. He’s been seeing this girl he says is just a friend. Whenever I’d bring it up as being otherwise, he’d get upset that I didn’t trust him or because I wouldn’t let it go. This week we fought and it got physical. He’s never done that before. He broke down in tears, got on his knees, and begged me to forgive him. Do I leave, or do I try and fix things? How do I approach him with my concerns, without him getting upset?
— Black Eyes
ANSWER: Run. Nothing else is going to save you from this happening again.
If you stay, he can hit you again. That’s the message you’ll be giving.
He loves himself, most. He can see another woman, he can lash out if you ask about it, and he does whatever he wants.
A rocky relationship from the start doesn’t get better once your eyes are blackened.
His anger is about you making him unhappy, not about hurting you.
You can’t even discuss “concerns” without him getting upset.
Make a safe and private plan to leave him. His fists already said everything about your future together.
If he threatens, stalks or pursues you, inform the police.
He’s abused you once and will again.
QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 18 months now.
When we were dating in our 10th year, I was very lonely and reconnected online with an old highschool fling.
One night, while inappropriately late-night chatting with him (huge mistake), my boyfriend discovered it.
He was heartbroken and so was I. I’d hurt him badly and wasn’t sure we’d ever move past it, but we did and later got engaged.
Recently, while I was in my husband’s email, I discovered photos of girls we both know which he’d saved on multiple occasions, years after my mistake.
When confronted, he said that when he was upset after numerous fights he thought that he’d hurt me by holding onto these photos.
I don’t know if just having those pictures was all that it was — or if there’s more to it. This is killing me. I know I hurt him so bad in the past and I want to believe him because he stuck by me.
How do we move past this and make this marriage work?
Do I just forget and forgive? How do we fix this right now? — Broken Marriage ANSWER: Fact check: During a “lonely” patch six years ago, you indulged in “inappropriate chatting” with a former fling.
For years, he’s been saving women’s photos so you could find them and be hurt.
Now you think your marriage is “broken” and you want an instant fix. Sorry, but the obvious answer is this: Grow Up, both of you!
Relationship repair starts with sharing self-awareness, which means talking about why you felt so alone while you two were together.
Something needed to be “fixed” back then. Instead, you’ve both focused only on guilt (yours) and revenge (his).
Get to marital counselling. Learn how to talk openly to each other, to cry and apologize and air your disappointments, then work together to move beyond it all.
No matter your ages, your past is behind you and your future as a couple is only as good as you both are willing to make it.
QUESTION: I’m 63, a stay-at-home mom for 20 years, living with a hoarder. Our house is an embarrassing disgrace.
I never have family over. My kids are enraged with me because I “allowed it.”
We’re going bankrupt with his shopping for things he wants. He made a good living and spent every dime. I want to leave but can’t financially manage on my own. I’m depressed, but there are long waits for affordable counselling.
— Dying On My Feet
ANSWER: There are associations that help people living with hoarders. Do a Google search and make contact.
They can provide the understanding about your situation which you need, as well as guidance to improve whatever’s possible to adjust/change.
Hoarding is a complex disorder, greatly challenging those who live with it.
You need support and should tell your children that blaming you is totally unfair.
Some agencies regarding hoarding, may be able to offer affordable counselling for you.
QUESTION: I’m a personal trainer. A client of mine recently invited me to his son’s wedding. I was touched at being included, and accepted the invitation.
My problem is that I’m currently on a very tight budget and I honestly can’t afford a proper wedding gift.
But I believe that a guest must give the bride and groom something appropriate.
What should I do? Or must I tell my client that I can’t attend?
ANSWER: Think creatively and you’ll realize that you have the means for giving a perfect gift.
A nicely packaged certificate for a free training session for each of the bride and groom, gives generously of your own time and spirit.
It only takes an hour for each, of your donated time, which you can offer to fit in at the convenience of everyone, e.g. when none of you have to be at work.
That way, you wouldn’t be missing out on your much-needed income.
QUESTION: A friend retired after years of an absorbing career at which he excelled. He soon became depressed and any previous thoughts of travel, volunteering, etc., fell away.
His wife, also retired (they’re both mid-60s) became insecure about their income after years of high earnings. It’s very difficult to have a logical conversation with them about any of this, or to encourage them.
My wife’s conversations with his wife end in listening to tears and anxieties.
They won’t go to counselling because they think it’s shameful. They hardly go out.
Is there anything friends can do?
— Feeling Helpless and Concerned
ANSWER: If they have adult children, contact them and ask whether they’re aware of all this, and whether they’ve considered some kind of intervention.
If not, raise the idea of the children getting professional advice (e.g. a specialist in geriatric psychology/psychiatry) about how to move their parents toward positive changes.
Email ellie@thestar.ca