Goodbye unicorns, bare cakes
NEW YORK — You know all those things you wish would disappear but won’t? Us, too. Highlights of the things we’re over in 2017: UNICORN EVERYTHING Please, rainbowy unicorns, stop throwing up and pooping all over everything. Also, you can keep your horns, tears and “snot.”
The whole unicorn thing built in 2016 with special pink-adorned toast and other disturbingly pastel-colored foodstuff. The beauty industry piled on with hair dyes, nail polish, lipsticks, makeup brushes and all things glittery, holographic and sparkly that looked so darn “magical” on Instagram. MILLENNIALS. JUST MILLENNIALS We get that assigning common traits to an entire generation involves a dose of trickery. But we also get that Millennials are a bubble.
Now get over it. Message for some: Go get your own jobs. Pay for your own apartments. Look up from your phones occasionally. You gotta earn stuff, like respect and raises.
Further, and this one isn’t your fault, Millennial Pink needs to go. Why it was assigned to you has to do with a growing acceptance of gender fluidity, so score!
But the colour has had its best day. And what is the colour? Scribes have decided it’s a range from blushy beige to a dull peach-salmon, so named “for its capacity to define a generation with its perfect balance of serious and frivolous.” SPIRALIZING THROUGH LIFE We’re going to leave kale alone — at least for now — to keep peace at the office. We’ll be gunning for you next year, kale, if you’re still all high and mighty.
For now, we’re going to focus on zoodles and anything else spiralized. If you want to eat pasta, eat pasta. If you want to eat zucchini, eat zucchini. Does it really make you happy to turn perfectly good zucchini into pasta-like strands? If so, rethink yourself. BARE CAKES You either say it out loud or you’re thinking it: The frosting is the best part. Make it more nutritionally sound if you must but don’t make it disappear along the sides.
This goes in particular for wedding cakes. Dare to bare without fondant or other icings for yourself, but subjecting a hall of your closest family and friends to this, well, sugar travesty, leaves a bad taste in the mouth, even with cutesy cake toppers.