Three years a long wait
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve been dating a man 20-plus years older than me, for three years. He’s going through a divorce.
We love each other deeply and have travelled together. I’ve met his friends, mother, and siblings. He’s met my teenage son and my family. However, his two adult children haven’t met me. Whenever we’re invited to a family function, I cannot attend.
They feel their mother’s being replaced.
I also don’t know where our relationship’s going. We don’t discuss longterm plans, like living together or getting married.
— Two Big Issues
ANSWER: Is it his kids, or him? After three years, mature people who love each other must each feel validated by the other, publicly. It means telling grown children that you’re a couple. And can’t keep being excluded.
He apparently moved into this romance early in his divorce process. He needs to tell them that, while he respects their relationship with their mother, his marriage is over. The bigger issue: does he really want a next phase for your relationship?
Or is he contented with a date-romance and vacations together? Time to ask.
Waiting around for the topic to arise, is frustrating and foolish. If it’s important for you to know now, say so. Once discussed, other issues will become easier to handle.
DEAR ELLIE: After my best friend separated from her longtime boyfriend, she changed greatly. She’s had many sexual partners within two months and claimed she loved the last three.
She’s lost her job, doesn’t think about anything but men, and shares inappropriate information.
She’s known her new “love” one week.
I’m trying to be supportive but fear for her sexual adventures and am annoyed that she only talks about men and sex.
I avoid phone calls and texts because I’m so disappointed in her behaviour.
I’ve voiced my opinions, but nothing matters but that “he” loves her. Am I Being Selfish?
ANSWER: No, you’re being a concerned best friend. But, instead of judging, ask what else she likes about the latest lover. Suggest meeting him, so she can see him through your eyes too.
Maybe she just needs to feel free for a while. It’s a phase, but you can tell her gently that it comes with consequences.
Examples — sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), damage to her reputation and worse, damage to her self-esteem after each “love” leaves. Be caring but concerned. This phase will pass.
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve attended a biker church for three years. We praise the Lord and rev our Harleys. We’re a loving, hugging bunch. But there’s one man whom I DON’T want to hug. When he’s (rarely) talked with me, he immediately tuned out.
I figure he doesn’t really want to be friends, so I’ve distanced myself (but it’s a very small church).
Now he makes a big deal of it (“Where’s my hug?”). I feel uncomfortable but I’m 150% certain his intentions aren’t sexual.
How can I set boundaries with this man without looking like a jerk? How can I hug everybody EXCEPT him?
Should I endure the discomfort or find a new church?
— How To Un-hug Someone?
ANSWER: Try this. Step back and pat his arm. If he makes a fuss that others see/hear, just say, casually, “Hey, you’re the guy who doesn’t listen to my conversation.” He may explain himself, or not. Stay with the church you like.
TIP OF THE DAY After three years together you have every right to ask whether there’s a future with a person you love.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.