Visitor issue after baby born

DEAR ELLIE: I’m currently expecting a baby and have told my husband that I’d prefer we not have hospital visitors right after the baby’s born.

I prefer instead to wait until we’re settled back at home.

Due to complications with a previous pregnancy, I’ll be having a scheduled caesarian section.

My husband thinks it’s no big deal to have hospital guests because people will want to see the baby the day it’s born or next day.

Unless there are complications, we’ll be discharged from the hospital 48-hours after the birth. I think the grandparents can wait two days.

But he’s dead set on our parents and siblings coming to visit.

He’s said that if I’m not up for visitors, he can take the baby in the hallway to meet people there.

I know from previous pregnancies that I’m not up for guests and would rather wait until we’re home.

Now I’m dead set against visitors, and he’s having them at the hospital regardless of my feelings.

— At an Impasse

ANSWER: There’s more needed here than deciding which of you is right or wrong.

Many people would believe that the decision should be yours, as the one experiencing surgery. Also, you’ve borne the physical and emotional effects of the pregnancy. But it’s his baby, too. He also carries emotional concerns about you, this coming baby, and his responsibilities as a father.

Logic also plays a part. At home just two days later, there’s a lot of settling in happening for the baby and yourself.

That would make getting the initial visits over with at the hospital seem sensible and easier, especially if visits are limited.

But it seems there’s more going on, because your husband’s so adamant.

Maybe the relationship with his side of the family isn’t as smooth as he’d like. Maybe, if this is the first successful pregnancy, he feels even more emotional about becoming a Dad than you’ve realized. Or, maybe you’re both naturally anxious and stressed as the event gets closer.

Talk it through together, calmly. Listen to each other’s feelings, not just the words. If you’re still at loggerheads, ask your doctor’s advice based on experience with hospital visitors.

TIP OF THE DAY Probe the reasons for opposing emotions, apply logic and understanding, and/or ask a neutral professional who’s aware of the issue. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.