WORDS OF WISDOM

Son’s shady job has parents worried about repercussions

Dear Marie and Gerry: Our children are 14 and 16 years old, and recently at Christmas, my partner questioned the costs of gifts they gave us, thinking I had given them money.

I had not, but I then asked them how they afforded to buy the items. After a lot of questioning and lies, the our daughter admitted her brother got some money for some job or other. We questioned our son.

He revealed he is a messenger for an older group and delivers packages for them. They pay him about $15 each time. This has been going on for over a year; he told us it’s online purchases and they get a discount.

We suspect, but don’t have any proof of some kind of illegal situation. He told us some names, but doesn’t know all the others and he is scared now. He tells me it is different boys each time.

I think we should go to the police. My son just panicked and said he would be beat up and they would do other things. My husband wants to let it go, and threatened him that if he ever does it again we will take it to the police. But don’t we have a responsibility to do something?

Marie says: So this is a nasty situation. You don’t actually have proof of any illegal activity, although your common sense tells you otherwise. So you are probably afraid that your son and or daughter would be threatened. Your husband is obviously looking out for all of your safety, simply because of the problems in our justice system right now.

Would you actually be able to accomplish stopping what you think is illegal activities? So there are two courses of actions you could consider.

Firstly, go to the police with your son and the information and leave it to them to proceed or not. Secondly, consider your husband’s advice for your son to remove himself from the situation. He can do that by saying that his dad may have found out and won’t allow him to be involved, or some suitable statement.

Either way it may not have a satisfactory outcome for you. I know when good citizens try to do the right thing, sometimes there is a high price to pay. However, it is not just your decision, and the two of you together need to come to the right decision for your entire family.

Gerry says: This must be very scary for your son; I would not contact the police at this time. I would trust his take on the threats and would help him to be safe, for example, he might consider moving school.

I am sure you could arrange something until this situation blows itself out. I imagine you have given him “the talk,” so he probably feels guilty enough. It is sad that his desire to give you expensive gifts resulted in this . That’s life. Just saying. Dear Marie and Gerry: My dad has been in a care home for about two years now.

It is working well, since my sister and brother both live out of town and my mom is long gone. He was mostly OK with living by himself, then had a couple of accidents cooking and we decided he need full time care.

He is very happy where he is, but here is the problem: My brother thinks the cost of this care home is too expensive and wants him moved since the funds are coming out of the sale of dad’s house and he thinks the funds will run out too soon.

My sister is in agreement with him (as always). So far, I have refused to agree to their demands, but apparently they don’t need my say-so if they both agree. Not sure what to do. Must I get legal advice?

Marie says: Check with the care home. When he was admitted they would have required certain forms to be signed. Was there a power of attorney or Section 7 in place that you had arranged?

These family issues are getting more common now since the population is aging and spaces are limited. You say you had great parents, who provided well for the three of you. So keep the communication open with your family members and see what real suggestions they have in mind.

Get some hard facts on the cost of moving him somewhere else, and talk to your dad and see if he might be willing to make a change. Get as much information as possible to pass along before any hard decisions are made.

Gerry says: Regardless of the financial situation, you all have a vested interest in providing the best care possible for your dad. Since your parents were a good example to you all, I think that there might be something else going on with your brother, so a gentle conversation will provide more insight and possibly good results.

Since you are the oldest, try to lead by example and keep the family from becoming estranged from each other. Just saying.

Marie and Gerry Prior are retired certified and professional counsellors with over 35 years’ experience. Marie currently provides free counselling in Penticton. To contact them for help or ask a question, call 250-809-9762 or email gemcarecounselling@gmail.com. This column is meant for general advice only.