Unemployed adult son proving divisive for parents

Dear Marie and Gerry: For over nine years I have supported my unemployed 27-year-old son, without my husband’s knowledge, not his biological father.

I work full time and I only give him my own money. My son is unable to find steady employment, he did not finish his education, he does try to find work, but without success.

Just recently my husband discovered I have been supporting him and there was a terrible scene, and he told my son to get out and support himself. I am not sure what to do now as I love my son very much and do not want to see him suffer.

Marie says: Not surprisingly, this is not an uncommon situation, and seems to be happening more and more as these are difficult times.

It is probably a good thing that your husband discovered what you have been doing, now rather than later when your son is much older.

It’s ok for your husband to be angry, since when deceit is discovered in a relationship it is showing lack of trust.

This can be hard to reinstate... Is your son physically handicapped? If so, there are agencies you can check out, or if he is healthy, your responsibility to him ended when he became an adult. You should be aware you are enabling him if you continue to secretly provide money him. He will just continue to depend on you and others without being responsible for himself.

Gerry says: You can show him real love by letting him become a man, so that he can respect himself and become a functioning member of society, with pride in his life. He needs emotional, not financial support to make changes, Suggest he reach out to organizations in your community to get him involved if there is no full time work, then suggest volunteering , which gives pride and purpose and might prevent him turning to self-defeating actions, to comfort himself and bask in his victim status. A little tough love in this situation is well overdue .. Just saying Dear Marie and Gerry:

I am nearly 23 and have registered for university courses to start my professional career, but it means leaving home and living in the University neighbourhood, almost four hours’ drive from home. My Mom wants us to live with my Aunt, family etc. she lives near to the University.

My Dad left when I was very young and my Mom has worked hard to fund my education. She has always told me how much she has sacrificed for me, and had never dated anyone etc.etc. She is still works here, but she could get a job with my aunt.

Mom wants me to be safe and have her support, I would like her to finally go out and have some fun, and I also want and need my own time to meet other young people and be a bit more independent, I can share some accommodation with friends so I won’t be alone. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, or be ungrateful, I am so confused.

Marie says: It is very difficult to become independent and sometimes your decisions mean you might hurt those you love. You could keep your Mother involved with your plans, but explain this is to be your future; you have to learn how to handle your own decisions. You can benefit from the qualities you have learned from her, but you need to grow and succeed in your own way.

Also encourage her to take up activities and make friends of her own age that will be satisfying for her and allow you some freedom without guilt. It’s always tough for parents, especially a single one, to let go, and it appears she has done a good job raising you, so be patient and kind, but firm.

Gerry says: A very tough situation for both of you, she may be afraid you will meet someone and your life may turn out like hers, without a partner and support, She has helped you on your path to reach your goals, so be respectful of the opportunity given you.

I would also encourage you to be aware of the difficulties in a brand new environment, especially colleges and universities, take your time to settle in to the more exciting and free lifestyle.

Be cautious and careful... Just saying.

Marie and Gerry Prior are retired certified and professional counsellors with over 35 years’ experience. Marie currently provides free counselling in Penticton. To contact them for help or ask a question, call 250-809-9762 or email gemcarecounselling@gmail.com. This column is meant for general advice only.