Family torn apart by assault seeks to reconcile
DEAR ELLIE: Six months ago, at a friend’s cottage, my fiance was assaulted.
Three people wandered over inebriated from a nearby party and attacked him.
When the police arrived, my fiance was the one arrested.
At the first appearance, this was dismissed immediately and we’ve since filed a complaint.
This incident resulted in the opening of a child welfare investigation with my 11-year-old step-daughter, despite that she wasn’t present.
She was interviewed at her mother’s home, which traumatized her. She’ll no longer speak to or see us.
My sweet, loving, affectionate step-daughter who’d always seen her dad as her hero, is now silent and cold.
We’re trying to enforce the message that we love her and understand that she’s upset by what happened.
My fiance and his ex-wife have agreed that their daughter should attend counselling.
We miss her. What can we do to help her process her feelings and repair what’s been broken? — Hole in Our Hearts
ANSWER: Ask her mother to tell her that you two are also getting counselling (and do so) in order to get past the trauma of this incident on you both, as well as on her.
She needs to know it was a mistake that happened to her father, and reflects nothing wrong with or about her. She needs to hear that getting counselling is helpful, not a sign of something bad.
Her handling of her emotion — fear, embarrassment and resentment — then depend on the counsellor’s skill in getting through to her.
Since she trusts her mother most now, it might be helpful if her mom attends a session with her — that’s something for her to ask the therapist to consider.
The girl’s return to comfort and trust with her dad and you might take some time. Be patient, don’t show anger or annoyance.
If handled well, time will heal the hurt on all sides.
FEEDBACK
Regarding the woman with reduced finances who feels unvalued by her adult children (Feb. 1):
Reader — “Your comment about babysitting as a way to spend time with her grandchildren, showed she needs to realize that family relationships aren’t primarily about money, restaurants, “cheap” or “expensive” gifts, etc.
“She doesn’t mention inviting the grandchildren (singly or in groups) to her home for crafts, movies, cooking lessons, sleepovers.
“Nor planning family activities like hikes, picnics, trips to free concerts and plays, sports events, local attractions.
“Does she have regular conversations with her children and their partners? Sadly, I didn’t see the word “love” once in her letter, for the adult children or grandchildren. But she does sound lonely. Does she have friends her own age, or activities she can enjoy?
“All these things could add to her and her family’s feeling “special” for each other, and for her not feeling dependent only on family for her self-worth.”
Reader’s Commentary
“When I read the #MeToo stories you provided I was struck by the pain these older women still experienced so many years after the assault. I felt so angry for them and me.
“I remember the friendly dentist who left his arm resting across my immature teenage breasts as he checked my teeth.
“I remember being divorced and my ex husband raping me one night. His best friends were cops. Ashamed and afraid, I didn’t report it.I swallowed my anger.
“I remarried late in life to a good man who really doesn’t get it. He and his cronies seem to think #MeToo is about women wanting revenge or money or fame.
“I am a survivor. However, I’m still so angry that so many men don’t get it. I’m now 64 and hope my granddaughters never have to know this anger. Or shame. My daughter already does.”
TIP OF THE DAY Children distressed by shocking incidents need steadily supportive love bolstered by counselling. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.