Wife doesn’t want to go abroad with hubby

Dear Marie & Gerry: I am writing for my brother. We are a family of five kids: two girls and three boys.

My brother is last born and eight years old. I am the second born and 17 years old.

Our parents have this problem with the youngest. He is not very smart, doesn’t like sports, he wears strong glasses and has brown eyes. We all have blue eyes and my other brothers are saying maybe he is adopted and stuff like that.

It’s like they treat him as if he doesn’t belong to the family. They cut him out of going places; he always gets the last treats or nothing.

My dad calls him names and will sometimes push him if he doesn’t move fast enough. My mom lets him wear old, wornout shoes, but mainly ignores him, and the kids at school call him spaz and freaky.

He cries a lot now and I don’t know what to do for him. I stick up for him, but they say he has to toughen up.

Marie says: This is a very sad problem for you and your family. There could be so many reasons that this situation has developed, but there is no excuse for treating anyone, especially a child or family member, with this lack of love and compassion.

As for your siblings treating him with disrespect, that sometimes follows as the parents are the role model and appear to be failing doing their job in showing love and care.

You have taken on the role of comforter, but you need adult help to resolve some of these problems. I suggest you make contact with your school counsellor and outline the issues.

As regards your parents, they may not be fully aware of the damage being done, so if possible hold a family conference to identify your worries and work towards some solution.

Be respectful of your parents, there may be other issues causing these behaviours that you and your siblings would not be privy to.

Gerry says: Although we don’t like to admit it, there are the favourites in families. Sometimes it appears just as a feeling, but often there is no hiding it.

Of course we don’t like to think parents can be cruel, but the reality is all too often different. They need a head shake, someone needs to tell it like it is.

Dear Marie & Gerry: My husband has a great job with an advertising company and has been offered a promotion to Europe.

It includes one paid trip home per year, and the total transfer may last 6 months to two years.

We live locally and he does most of the work from his home computer.

We have a seven-year-old daughter and very happy, busy lives.

I work part-time and I do not want to move to another country. I have never been interested in this possibility.

My husband wants to go and we have had lots of fights about it.

My daughter does not want to go either. Recently he has said he can go without me, to save disrupting the whole family.

Marie says: So it looks like you have made up your mind not to go, but maybe you should consider another option.

If your husband is determined to go without you, he would be alone in a foreign country, and probably after a while, very lonely… which could result in unwanted behaviours. That outcome may be worse.

Instead of this being a disaster, consider it an opportunity for your daughter to have the experience of travel, maybe learning another language.

As for yourself, the sights and experiences of an adventure to share with your husband, which could cement your relationship and provide more loving support for both of you.

Gerry says: You mention your husband has been waiting and hoping for this to happen, so would you deprive him of realizing his dream, even if it were to be two years?

That’s a short time compared to a life of resentment because you were not willing to support him. Get on board, life is too short.

There are no guarantees, only regrets for missed opportunities. Just saying.

Marie and Gerry Prior are retired certified and professional counsellors with over 35 years’ experience. Marie currently provides free counselling in Penticton. To contact them for help or ask a question, call 250-809-9762 or email gemcarecounselling@gmail.com. This column is meant for general advice only.