Sexual trauma can happen to anyone
DEAR ELLIE: Having read about men affected by #MeToo sexual incidents, a bad memory came back vividly and powerfully.
I’m 49, a professional, happily married for nine years.
I’ve never told my wife nor anyone about this occurrence when I was around 13.
I loved trains and cycling. I’d often ride my bike alone, climb an embankment, and watch the trains go by.
One day, when I was about to go home, a guy, late teens or early 20s, approached.
He threatened that if I said anything he’d drown me in the creek. He grabbed me, kissed me, ordered me to pull my shorts down.
He performed oral sex at both ends.
He told me to give him my underwear and my socks.
I started to cry and scream. He slapped me and tore my t-shirt, saying that if I don’t stop screaming he’d rip more clothing and my parents would kill me for it.
I kept quiet. He smeared dirt all over me, saying to tell my parents that I got into a fight.
He told me to count to some number, eyes closed. At the end of it he was gone. I remember he also had a bike.
I put my shorts and shoes back on and biked home all tattered. I remember that my lips and genitals were bruised.
I had a key. I remember rushing inside (my parents were both on the balcony), grabbing new socks, underwear, and t-shirt, hiding the ripped shirt in the closet until I could ditch it outside.
My parents noted my dirty appearance. They believed that I’d gotten into a fight.
I don’t know how and why I eventually forgot about this. It’d been traumatic, short-term.
Yet I very recently rolled my eyes thinking, why after so many years, are women suddenly coming out with #MeToo accusations that they probably couldn’t even remember!
Now I know. Triggers can bring back these memories and details. I haven’t made up anything here.
I was raped and sexually assaulted. He got away with it. Who else were his victims? — No Longer Forgotten
ANSWER: There were undoubtedly more victims. Sadly, many likely didn’t forget and move forward as you were able to do.
Meanwhile, shame and fear of not being believed kept them and you from reporting.
You’ve been shocked by the memory, but also made more understanding of others’ pain.
The value of #MeToo stories is awareness, and recognizing that this movement is finally trying to change both attitudes and reactions. Thanks for sharing your story. DEAR ELLIE: I’m a senior professional woman recently self-diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.
After intensive research, I’ve recognized this form of high-functioning autism in several males in my family. One is a boy, five, showing early symptoms.
I communicated my concerns, research, and book lists to my unaware family.
My intent was preventing the criticism, scolding, misunderstanding and social non-acceptance that “Aspies” often endure.
Now, this information and myself are unacceptable to my family. I’m being punished. How do I cope with a family who’ll deny this child (and an elder) the understanding and support needed to thrive? — Frustrated
ANSWER: Stay connected the best you can; IF you are correct (and remember yours is a self-diagnosis) then his teachers, doctor, or a therapist will eventually tell the boy’s parents that his symptoms need exploring for him to handle them and thrive.
Carry on seeking new information/approaches for your own benefit.
Some relatives may recognize what you’re achieving for yourself and pass that awareness onto the boy’s family.
Reader’s Commentary “With regards to tipping: Many years ago, my husband and I went to a restaurant, chose a table, and sat down.
“We’re patient and understood that our server was busy.
“Yet we attempted to gain her attention as those around us received their menus, water, and coffee from that same server.
“Eventually, I got up and got our own menus. After another long time lapse and with no explanation about the delay, our server took our order.
“After another extended delay, the food arrived, but no water or coffee was offered. As we paid our bill and were about to leave, our server ran up and asked why we hadn’t left a tip.
“I felt she deserved an honest and polite answer. I quietly reviewed with her our experience.
“To my surprise, she looked into my eyes, gently said “thank-you,” then turned around and walked away.”
TIP OF THE DAY Believe those who’ve experienced sexual trauma. It can happen to anyone, unless reactions change. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.