Pondering polyamory
Readers’ Commentary — The Case for Polyamory (“consensual and responsible non-monogamy”):
“Many people with sex drives at variance with their partner’s, find that ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is the right road for them. I’ve been practicing polyamory for over a decade.
“My current live-in partner has health problems and a low sex drive, but needs a lot of emotional and physical support.
“His other girlfriend is a blessing. I don’t have to be there for him every time he’s unwell, and can focus on my career as well as being a partner.
“Meanwhile, I get my sexual frustrations out with a casual friends-with-benefits situation, so that I need never burden my beloved when he’s not feeling up to sex.
“Our other-significant-others also have partners of their own. Our loosely-knit network of friends and lovers provides a very supportive family in which we all can thrive.
“In the 21st century, non-traditional family structures are common and widely accepted: Suffering for your partner’s sake seems noble, but isn’t always the answer.”
Ellie — Periodically, I receive such explanations of the benefits of having more than one acknowledged sexual partner within a group of three or more people.
They note that there are other solutions to living with a partner who can’t or won’t be sexual, beyond just accepting it, selfpleasuring, and making do with intimacy without actual sex.
I see such private arrangements as personal decisions that are none of my business.
People, who write me about sex problems as a couple, already know they can choose this course.
Most are asking about their relationship what I think about a partner threatening to leave unless a substitute lover is found. Or, whether it’s fair and acceptable that a partner arbitrarily gave up sex.
Having multiple partners is not a new idea, though making a mutual decision and being responsible about it is the only way it’ll remain a satisfying solution to those involved.
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve experienced hardship for a long time, since I lost my corporate job and started working as a contractor. Especially since a car accident in 2014 caused me some cognitive impairment, which limits my work.
I rent out half of my house (a duplex) but my home costs have risen and the rental increases have not kept up. During a discussion with my adult son (who currently lives with me and pays rent) about how to leverage the house (such as renovations) he said his dad (my ex-husband) could move in and we three would share the costs and renovate while I could continue to live here.
My ex keeps telling him that his parents insured an inheritance, which provided the down payment for this house.
I told him I don’t owe anyone anything. Yes, his father gave the big down payment but I paid the mortgage for 15 years working full-time as the breadwinner while he worked part-time and lost money in business ventures. I feel it worked out even. — Disappointed and Angry
ANSWER: Yes, sometimes adult children are very self-interested, especially if they’re being fed information from another parental voice that also has vested interest.
It seems that through your divorce, the house is owned by you. And your son’s living there and paying rent makes him a tenant, not a part owner.
Deal with the need at hand: See your bank manager, accountant, someone in real estate. They will each have suggestions on how to proceed to stabilize your finances, including whether to renovate.
TIP OF THE DAY Polyamory is a sexual and partner relationship choice that must be mutually agreed, and have some basic agreed expectations.
Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.