‘Quickie’ affairs often flame out quite quickly

DEAR ELLIE: Im an attractive woman, single, late-30s, working in insurance. My boss insisted that I was the perfect agent for his friend’s account and set up the appointment.

He’s early-40s, very good-looking, divorced, and a professional.

We were both businesslike, but I immediately felt a mutual attraction.

Sure enough, though we were to meet again in two weeks, he started sending me text messages asking less about insurance matters than about me.

When I went away briefly on business, his texts quickly went from flirty to sexual.

I like this man but I don’t want a quick affair.

How do I say this without sounding like I’m conceited or cold? Also, how do I keep the account if all he wants is sex? — Too Fast

ANSWER: Your instincts are good. Quickie affairs usually flame out fast, or never get beyond the bedroom.

Don’t reply to texts that feel inappropriate or a rush into bed. Do reply to professional matters and future appointments in your office.

Don’t say “yes” to any suggested meeting at his place or yours. Do agree to a lunch or dinner together in a restaurant.

If the mutual attraction builds and you decide that you do want intimacy with him, tell him that you can’t continue to be his insurance agent, though your company can still handle his account.

How he responds will tell you whether his interest in you is likely to have a future, or not.

DEAR ELLIE: I’m 64. with a chronic condition which makes walking very challenging.

I use a cane in the house and a walker when out, which happens rarely ñ three times in 2017.

My husband drove me to the bank to sign papers and back.

Along with two grown sons, he’s my only family. He’s not interested in socializing with anyone.

He’s self employed but works with people all day and that’s enough for him. He has no hobbies or interests other than television. No one has visited us for years.

I’m extremely lonely. I have Internet friends because I donate regularly to street animal rescues internationally.

My fantasy is to have a face-toface conversation with someone, share a supper with friends, watch a hockey game on television with someone who loves the game as much as I do.

But I have no opportunity to make friends.

My future seems to be years of loneliness and isolation ahead. Is there any hope for me?

— Beyond Lonely

ANSWER: You had the courage to make this outreach, which signals that you’re ready to fight against this unfair, unnatural, and unhealthy isolation.

Your chronic condition is one factor, but your family’s indifference is quite another.

I urge you to use your Internet abilities and contact all the community services in your area.

There are likely available drop-in and scheduled gatherings for isolated older people.

Some such services offer bus transportation. And many communities provide transportation for disabled clients.

Your husband who drives, can also drop you off. Taxi service is another option.

Some groups offer conversations and lunch, interest groups such as art classes show movies, etc. Using your walker, you should be able to participate in some of these choices.

Depending on your locale, organizations such as AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) and CARP (Canadian Association of Retired Persons) are good places to start your inquiries.

One AARP motto: “You’re never too old to find new friends.”

Here’s mine for you: Speak up, take charge of who you are and what you need.

FEEDBACK Regarding the father whose ex-wife refused his treating their daughter to a baseball game because it’s “her time” with their child (March 9):

Reader — “This father was given a golden opportunity to be a hero to his daughter, while demonstrating compassion for his ex-wife.

“The simple solution — he apologizes for his mistake with the dates and offers the tickets to his daughter and ex-wife to attend the game together.

“Should the ex be unable/ unwilling to attend herself, she could select another appropriate relative/friend to accompany the girl.

“This one act could begin a new chapter in how the exes cooperate on matters relating to their children.”

Ellie — A wonderful “solution” even if it doesn’t work for one reason or another.

So many divorced people focus on competing times regarding their children.

Instead, a common cause of providing them with equal love and opportunities, would ease the stress children of divorce are often made to feel.

TIP OF THE DAY

A rush to bed often fizzles fast or never gets to emotional intimacy. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.