Woman duped by a couple of snakes

QUESTION: I was set up by a friend to meet/date her accountant, who lives a three hours’ drive away. She was sure we’d connect, and she was right. He sees clients here every other week, and we’d go out for two or three nights. His closest friends and their wives sometimes joined us.

He was smart and fun loving, and made me feel special.

We’re both divorced and early 40s, so it felt like we’d silently agreed to take it slow and not raise discussion about the future during our five months of dating.

Intimacy happened naturally, but neither of us expressed love.

Then I accidentally discovered that he’s committed to another woman in his hometown.

He’d said he had to attend a conference and mentioned the hotel where he was staying.

A business issue arose for me, I needed his financial advice, called the hotel and was told that “neither Mr. or Mrs. xxx” were in the room! When he returned, I exploded at him. He apologized and confessed that he’d been seeing the other woman for years (an affair). When her divorce comes through, they plan to marry.

He said he’d asked my friend to recommend someone “just for company” when in my city.

He hadn’t planned to get “involved” but he’d developed feelings for me and kept putting off telling the truth.

I was mortified. All his friends knew about the other woman, as did our “matchmaker.”

I’m left wondering whether he’s a snake or it’s my so-called “friend” who shares equal blame for making a fool out of me.

ANSWER: They’re both snakes. They played you, knowing that you’re a woman he’d find attractive and compelling.

Some people think that being experienced means you know the dating pitfalls and willingly take your chances.

But those two didn’t give you any chance. They knew that a real relationship was never going to happen.

And maybe, like him, his friends are the types who don’t care enough about others’ feelings.

You are not “dirt.” The treatment of everyone involved in this sham, is what’s foul.

Cut contact with him completely. End your friendship with his client.

Now, it’s time to hone your instincts and, in future, have “discussion” about where any new relationship is going.

QUESTION: I’m returning home, after deep thinking about my life during two years’ travel. At 11, I was molested along with my sister, by our much-older brother.

I want a fresh start but don’t know where to begin. I always have to see this low-life during every family get-together, and will be constantly reminded of these traumatic events.

I always wanted to seek counselling about this disgusting experience.

I don’t have much money left, or know where to find an affordable therapist or how to choose the right therapist for me.

ANSWER: Start with research that informs you and builds confidence in how to handle this.

Search for ways to get low-cost therapy through agencies like the Y, a women’s shelter, other women’s centres, and online websites for those sexually assaulted. Call a Sexual Assault Hotline for resources — 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

Inquire about support groups and attend a meeting to ask how others have confronted their past sexual abuse, e.g. writing a record/journal of what happened and when.

All this will help build your approach. I also suggest checking with your sister about whether she’ll join you in this.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the man, 66 who wants “more” with his female friend, 20:

Reader: If the girl had been asking for advice, you’d be right to ask her if she’s emotionally and psychologically prepared for this type of relationship.

And if she’s lacking self-esteem, is unrealistic, or seeking love with an older man because of a lack of love growing up.

You’d question whether he’s in a position of authority over her or has power, position, or money that impresses her.

She should consider, is he really seeing her — or just her youth, vitality and sexual attractiveness? What kind of partner has he been in the past? She should ask herself what she wants from the relationship and how she sees it ending.

She should be warned that she could be hurt by societal reactions.

But it’s the man, 66, seeking advice. Your answer should be No, he should not proceed. TIP OF THE DAY Anyone who knowingly sets up or plays you in a sham relationship is a snake.

Email ellie@thestar.ca