No sense wallowing in despair
DEAR ELLIE: My son and his then-girlfriend broke up shortly after having a baby, five years ago.
He pays child support but the mother only allows HER family in my grandchild’s life.
She sends me nasty, hurtful emails, including that I’ll never see my grandson even on my deathbed!!
She’s manipulative and controlling. She convinced my son that, because the baby lived with her, to give up his rights. He won’t stand up to her. I’ve not seen my grandchild since a first-birthday celebration in a roomful of her relatives.
My husband passed away and never got a visit.
How can someone be so cold-hearted, evil, and cruel?
We’d welcomed her into our home, bought gifts which she emailed me that she’s thrown away. There’s no rhyme or reason with this immature mid-20s woman.
I love my son but will never forgive the hurt this has caused. — Sad Grandmother
ANSWER: I know it’s not easy to do, but you need to move on from this painful loss.
You’ve had no relationship with the child, so unless your son grows a spine, you’re unlikely to have one ever.
They were both young and immature when she got pregnant. He caved to giving up all paternal rights, though he’s responsible enough (and legally obliged) to pay support. He can still return to court to seek visiting rights. But if his ex remains that dominating, and court costs are a factor, it seems unlikely. Meanwhile, you still have a life to live. Wallowing in despair is unhealthy, and achieves nothing.
Neither does dwelling on antipathy to the mother of your grandchild.
Talking about her to friends, or on social media (if you’re tempted) would just entrench her nastiness toward you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman conflicted about her job and getting pregnant (March 21):
Reader — “She’s assumed the full burden of her husband’s new job.
“She considers having a baby “top priority,” yet sees it limiting her professional options.
“But it’s the assumption that they live near his work, not hers, that’s complicating her choice.
“Why hasn’t he sought flexibility from his employer?
“It’s because even in 2018, men and women view his career as more important than hers. “Their relationship has a sexist undercurrent.” Ellie: A thoughtful perspective that may indeed be an undercurrent.
However, she far preferred to live in her home town where he found his job, she was tired of commuting part-time to the city, and the pregnancy priority was shared.
I said not to give up on her career, see a gynaecologist about any conception issues, try to get a job she likes in town, but if unavailable, continue commuting to the city.
TIP OF THE DAY Some painful losses are best put aside while you nurture your health and positive living. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.