Can’t plan a wedding without compromise

DEAR ELLIE: We’re having a small wedding (50 people), inviting just close family and friends.

I have a strenuous relationship with some of my mother’s family (as does she), but I have no problem excluding negative people. But my mother believes in getting along and then complaining about it later.

When I didn’t send a Save The Date to her toxic sibling and spouse, she stopped speaking to me. I said that if this is her one thing, I’ll submit for the sake of peace.

Now she wants me to invite more extended family with whom I have no relationship beyond Facebook.

My mother only has an email relationship with them.

Coming from large families, my fiance and I decided that if we haven't both met the person, they aren't invited (unless there are extenuating circumstances).

Should I bend again for peace (and my sanity)? — Almost Regretting Not Eloping!

ANSWER: -If you “bend” only once, you’ll be in a tiny minority of bridal couples.

That’ll take determination — which it seems you have — but your relationship to her matters to you.

Weigh some facts: Those “excluded” relatives on your Facebook will feel publicly insulted when the wedding photos are posted.

Consider having your mother explain to them ahead, the need for limiting invitations. Realize too that you two will also be left out of some family celebrations as years go by, especially if there are hard feelings.

That may be fine with you now, but maybe less so later.

However, truly “toxic” people are the exception — unless dissing them would bring drama to your mother. You were good to give in there.

You didn’t want to elope. A few pre-wedding snags won’t ruin your Big Day when it arrives.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the wife who’s upset at her husband for teasing her (April 3):

Reader — “These types of passive-aggressive “teasers” refuse to admit fault and are brilliant at making the other person feel stupid.

“It might help if the woman raised the issue of his behaviour and its effect on her, and if she admitted that she doesn’t know or understand why he’d feel so badly about himself that he has to put her down to build himself up.

“She could suggest that he deserves to take time for himself and get some counselling”

“Meanwhile, let him know that she’ll no longer be paying attention to his "teasing."

“If she can accept that it's not about her, but about his own anger and insecurity, she might be able to let his comments flow over her.

”His friends are likely disgusted by his behaviour, so she could take some courage from that knowledge.”

TIP OF THE DAY: If wedding plans only require a few peace-keeping/sanity adjustments, you’re lucky.

Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children.