You be the one to make the first move

It has happened to you I’m sure, but Tuesday was my turn. Sitting in a restaurant waiting for my lunch partner I drank more and more coffee. The agreed upon time arrived, then passed, significantly. When the server offered me a third cup I could no longer avoid the obvious conclusion that something was awry with my planning.

I had not previously met this person and did not have contact information in my phone. As I sat in frustration it occurred to me that I was not in the only Cactus Club restaurant in the city and that it was possible he was sitting across town equally frustrated.

The moment that thought became conscious I had a decision to make. I could leave and go back to my office, I could order food and have a quiet personal albeit frustrated lunch or I could initiate a solution.

It was clearly time to initiate so I called his office, obtained his cell number and called him as he sat in the other restaurant wondering where I was.

Processing the experience later in the day caused me to wonder how many similar stand-offs I have participated in.

A misunderstanding occurs leaving each participant to assume something negative about the other. An argument between spouses arises and each retreats waiting for the other to apologize. Tension between parent and teen or parent and adult child mounts, each waiting for the other to make a move toward reconciliation.

Crossed purposes with co-workers exists and each puts on blinders forging ahead waiting for the other to realize the error of his or her way.

The one thing each situation has in common is the need for someone to initiate. In every stand-off someone needs to make the first move. Failure to initiate has but one result, both parties become more and more deeply entrenched in their position, making resolution that much more difficult.

Proper etiquette has led many of us to adopt a “you first” or an “after you” attitude. That works great in line-ups or door entry ways but is completely counter-productive in a stand-off. Stand-offs require individuals with enough personal security and with a deep enough value of relationship to initiate. When it comes to apologizing, “me first” is exactly the best approach.

Jesus believed so strongly in initiating reconciliation that one day he said even if you are in church in the act of giving your offering and you become aware that you have a sideways relationship you should just lay your gift down, go make things right and then come back to church and complete your worship.

I rarely “preach” or issue challenges in this column. Today is an exception. Without apology I am asking you to join me in accepting this challenge:

For the next 30 days any time you find yourself in a stand-off, take a “me first” approach. Be first to apologize and first to move toward reconciliation. I predict the result will be one of the happiest months you’ve had in a long time.

Tim Schroeder is pastor at Trinity Baptist Church in Kelowna. This column appears weekly in Okanagan Weekend.