Stay away until he can control anger
Q: I dated an amazing man for eight months and fell in love with him. We’d planned to move in together, found a place, were packed and ready to go.
Then, a disagreement ballooned into a full-out argument. He wouldn’t talk to me or take my calls for over a week. I moved alone into the apartment we’d rented together, paying for movers and feeling devastated.
We talked in the weeks following. He’d rented his own place (which he can barely afford).
Though I’m relieved not to live together, I’m struggling to move forward. I’d not seen this behaviour from him before; not to this extent.
I’m so disappointed after looking forward to sharing a home together. Yet I don’t feel I can trust him regarding any plans, even for doing activities together.
I’m always waiting for him to “lose his mind” again. If it happens, I’ll walk away without looking back.
Should I hope that he learns better self-control, or walk away now so that I don’t have to go through something so painful again?
Alone and Waiting
A: Walk away now, until he wants to be together enough to commit to learning anger management.
He knows you’re waiting, so he can take his time, until he’s also tired of living alone, regrets the un-shared cost, or finds someone else until he dismisses her in anger, too.
You apparently ignored earlier signs of overreactions and temper. Now you know where they can lead.
Better to move forward on your own, rather than walk on eggshells around him.
Tell him that you won’t risk that level of upheaval again. Say that only if he acknowledges his explosive anger and gets therapy for it, can you consider a renewed relationship.
Q: After hosting all holiday get-togethers for my stepchildren and families (sometimes 16 or more), for 26 years, I told my step-daughter and step-daughter inlaw to consider rotating these dinners among our three houses. I explained that at 70-plus, my energy level is lessened.
They misunderstood and started yelling to their father that I said they’re not welcome here, that I don’t want to cook for them. They all walked out after having dinner without a thank you or good bye.
I’ve been banned from my step-son’s house and my step- daughter’s house since last Easter.
But they’ve invited their father and step-father to occasions. Should I write to them that I haven’t said any of those things? In person, I cry easily. It’s been very hurtful to me and their father. Misunderstood MIL
A: Sadly, I don’t think you were misunderstood. These relatives have some negative attitude toward you that likely goes back to when their father married you; however, I’m all for trying to find family peace if at all possible.
Yes, you should write them, but the real task of trying to clear things is your husband’s. He needs to stand up for you, say that he agrees that the next generation needs to pitch in. He must also remind his children that he’s your partner and wants them to respect you appropriately.
As for your letter, don’t mention what you didn’t say as they won’t believe you since that’s their united front.
Instead, repeat again that you want the family to be together on holidays, but it’s too exhausting to be the sole host.
Suggest sharing a pot luck dinner sometimes, and rotating houses other times. Be clear that it’s family harmony that you want, for everyone’s sake. TIP OF THE DAY If you can’t trust a future partner’s ability to manage his/her anger, walk away. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.