Relationship gets too complicated

DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of three years is legally separated with two young kids. I’m divorced, no kids.

Due to financial difficulties, he still lives in his ex-wife’s house, and they share babysitting when one goes to work.

Our arrangement: He comes to my place twice a week, depending on his kids’ schedule. I have no problems with that.

He attends family gatherings with his ex-wife and kids, and spends more time on holidays with them than me.

I’ve said that in future I want to have my own kids. He doesn’t want any more children.

When I decided to break up with him, he said he has plans for us.

I rejected his plans because I’m not a Number One priority in his life. I’ll always be the one that has to wait for him.

Did I make a right decision? I love him so much and know he loves me too. But I believe it’s going to be more complicated.

He’s also my friend’s ex-boyfriend. She never knew about the relationship which we’ve kept secret. — Not His Priority

ANSWER: You made the right decision, from your gut instinct — it IS time to move on.

There’s no way you can be his priority when he’s dependent on his ex-wife economically and for a home base, has responsibility for two youngsters, and is rightly sharing family and vacation time with them, which apparently excludes you (but doesn’t have to, over time).

Meanwhile, having kept the relationship secret has also left you in the shadows socially regarding this guy.

Whatever his plan, it’ll be a long time before he can manage joint custody from a new home base with you, and your desire for having children with him may still be delayed or denied.

Those young children need their dad a lot, now. You need a life in which you have a meaningful role.

Stick with your instinct on the relationship, and also repair your friendship.

DEAR ELLIE: My wife and I are writing Wills. We differ on how to split the money if we and our children die simultaneously.

She wants to distribute the estate as follows: Her sister gets 50 per cent, her brother 25 per cent. My sister gets 25.

I think it should be divided 50/50 and each assign our half as we wish. My wife’s arguments: Her sister is married with two children, money’s tight. Her brother’s drug-addicted, has no family. My sister is married with one child, money’s not a problem. What’s your assessment? ANSWER: Check with an estate lawyer and your accountant for their professional experience. From me, you get my years of dealing with people’s relationships.

Little divides a family faster than hearing differences in a relative’s will from which they expected equal shares.

In a 50-50 division, and assigning your own shares,she could include some funds for her sister’s children to help that family.

TIP OF THE DAY Too-complicated relationships without a foreseeable change, wear people down. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.