When the critics name you

I’ve often quoted the following: Your secret diet has worked – you’ve lost 11 pounds and feel terrific. Then it happens. While on your way to dinner your boyfriend says matter-of-factly, “You better stay away from dessert. Summer’s coming and you look like you’ve gained a little weight.” How do you respond? 1. You hit him 2. You tell him the truth and express your disappointment in his comment

3. You say nothing, but order the richest dessert on the menu

4. You poke him in the stomach and comment on his pregnancy

Your brother has a large, fuzzy white dog. Whenever you visit him the mutt is all over you. When you sit down he slobbers on your dress and when you stand he jumps up and snags your clothes. When you gave the dog a smack on your last visit your brother flew off the handle.

“You’re the only person I know,” he said, “who hates animals and could be so mean to a pet.” How do you respond? 1. You smack him too 2. Tell him he should teach his dog better manners

3. Explain the damage the dog has done to your clothes and suggest in the future he visit at your home without the dog 4. Never speak to him again Years ago a popular magazine posed these and a dozen other questions to help you rate your ability to handle criticism.

As someone who both lives in the public eye and who makes more than my share of blunders, I’m no stranger to criticism. I often don’t handle it well but I am learning.

I am learning that my response to criticism is often influenced by the way it’s expressed. If someone cares enough to come to me personally or to sign their name to a letter, especially if they come respectfully it tells me they genuinely care and are probably looking for a solution.

Except for those occasions when I’m having a bad day and get defensive, if I can engage those critics I usually find them to be very forgiving and helpful in finding a solution. If criticism is expressed immaturely or disrespectfully, I’ve been learning to not respond while upset.

Criticism expressed in a volatile or disrespectful way suggests the person is not so much looking for a solution but rather to vent their anger. Engaging angry people doesn’t often prove useful. That’s the time for a simple apology without any other comment. Criticism, which is anonymous, is of another level. It has no redeeming value whatsoever and I’ve learned to ignore it. Typically, it gets shredded or deleted without being read. Since the value of critique rests in the credibility of the one offering it, anonymous criticism is useless.

I am also attempting be more honest about the criticism I receive. Like most people, my first tendency is to be defensive, but if I can get past the defensiveness long enough to ask, “Is there a germ of truth in it?”

I put myself in a position to learn and grow. I’m discovering that others have different perspectives than mine and if I can force myself to be mature enough to listen I find their critique may expand my perspective and help me be more considerate and careful the next time. A good purpose has been served.

Finally, I am learning that asking one simple question can be very helpful. When criticism comes my way, if I can remember to ask, “I wonder why this person is so upset?” it helps me realize that there are two distinct aspects to the problem.

One is the fact of what I’ve done but the other is the life situation of the other person. Attempting to discern why they are upset injects objectivity into the equation and enables me to diffuse rather than aggravate the situation.

I am a long way from handling criticism well but I am slowly learning. Maybe you’d like to join me in the struggle. There is certainly no shortage of opportunities to practice.

Tim Schroeder is pastor at Trinity Baptist Church in Kelowna.