Husband might not be the father

QUESTION: I’m happily married and believe my hubby’s attracted to me just as I find him to be a great husband, best friend, fantastic lover, and my most strident supporter during challenging times.

I’m in my late 20s and fear my biological clock is ticking away.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for five years. We’ve tried fertility procedures including IVF treatment, unsuccessfully.

The doctors informed us that my husband’s sperm can’t aid conception, for various reasons.

I’ve raised adoption or foster-parenting, but he’s not eager about alternative options to raise children.

I became depressed. I didn’t seek help because I didn’t want anyone else to know how we felt.

My hubby and I distanced after we accepted that we couldn’t have our own children.

I found solace and comfort in other men, which led to sexual intimacy. I know it was wrong and feel terrible. But I ultimately decided to face the future with hope and courage. I had newfound love for my husband. Shortly after those extramarital encounters, I discovered that I’m expecting.

I told my hubby and both our extended families who were all overjoyed. My hubby was thrilled that he’d defied the odds.

Privately, I knew this child isn’t his, because I had unprotected intercourse with some of those men.

Also, some were of a different race than I am (my husband and I are of the same race and cultural ethnicity).

My biggest fear: If the unborn child is of mixed race, this will cause a firestorm and surely contribute to shame, embarrassment and humiliation for us and our respective families.

After several medical consultations, I was informed that it’s too late in the pregnancy to have an abortion. I have no choice but to carry on with my pregnancy to term.

It kills me to see my ecstatic hubby booking time off from work and working on a nursery for the baby.

I just cannot muster up the bravado to tell my hubby what really happened. What should I do?

ANSWER: Start “mustering,” just like you found renewed courage and hope after your depression and period of promiscuity.

You now have two other lives to consider besides your own.

The innocent baby you’re carrying is entitled to a future no matter your past behaviour.

You and your husband must find the integrity, responsibility and compassion within yourselves to ensure this child is raised in a happy, welcoming home — whether yours or another’s. You need to tell him the truth, immediately. If he’s all that you say, he may be able to forgive you due to the stressful circumstances that caused your reckless actions.

If so, he may have the character that allows him to raise this child with you as a loving father. If not, he may ask you to place the child for adoption. That’s when you have to decide if you can give up your own child, something you wanted so desperately.

These are tough decisions that must be made, rather than wait.

To anticipate a “firestorm” from your families over a mixed-race child and the facts of the conception is sad, but not the main issue here. You’ll need even more courage to raise the child alone, but it can be done if you have the will.

However, if your husband — despite the initial shock and hurt — joins you in raising this baby, you two will set a new tone for respect, acceptance and unconditional love.

QUESTION: My close friend of five years and I recently differed over a sensitive issue.

It was a case of giving too much information to someone else. We disagreed on how to handle it. I said she was acting like someone who has been the bane of both of our existence.

The low blow couldn’t be overlooked. Despite my apologizing for going too far, we haven’t spoken. We’d previously dated for a time. The relationship ended because of my stupidity, but we retained the friendship.

She’s someone you want to keep in your life, the kind that’s had your back and you want to be there for her, too. I’ve posted stuff on her Facebook with no response.

Trying to figure out how to resolve this and adopt better ways of resolving disagreements.

ANSWER: Some low blows go too far. Apologize again, by phone. Then let some time pass, and try again. After that, don’t hound her. TIP OF THE DAY Confessing infidelity is painful for everyone involved but necessary when a child’s life is at question.

Email ellie@thestar.ca