Dating dilemma
DEAR ELLIE: I’m female, attractive, independent, early 40’s, happily divorced.
I’m emotionally ready for dating and a possible relationship.
But it’s increasingly hard to meet new people, so I’ve turned to the Internet. When a profile or message piques my interest, it often results in me doing a onesided interview.
I’m asking all the questions and the man’s providing short answers without asking anything about me.
I get frustrated and bored and see that he wasn’t interested in learning anything about me.
I assume he’s either un-invested in the process, too shy for my liking, isn’t really single, etc. I move on.
BUT this happens about 99% of the time.
Am I giving up too soon/expecting too much?
Is there a general expectation that a woman should be pursuing a man and divulging everything about herself without being asked? Should I do all the work because that’s just the way it is now online and in social media?
Tired of “Interviewing” Men ANSWER: Online or in-person, you’ll still have to be true to yourself when considering whether to date someone.
The “strong, silent type” just doesn’t appeal to you. Stop worrying about what you’re “missing” from uncommunicative strangers ñ you wouldn’t know more until you spent a lot of time together (besides, many of them only want a one-night stand).
If something attracts you in the profile, say what it is. Ask a few questions, and then say you’re ready to answer his. If you get nothing back, move on.
It’s rare that people click immediately online unless they’re dealing only in superficials, e.g. looks and emoji responses.
Some people are confident (or desperate) enough to meet right away. That’s obviously not on your comfort level.
Meanwhile, get out with friends; go to community/school/faith or jobrelated events. Be with people in person. You may or may not get lucky online. But you’ll definitely meet new people if you go where others are socializing too.
DEAR ELLIE: I’m the mother of two teenage boys. My mother, 69, a non-English speaker, has lived with my family for 16 years.
She visits back home every year. Although very sociable, she’s dealing with depression (on-off medication) and feels uprooted. She has a very controlling personality.
Several years ago, I created a Facebook account for her. She’s
not tech-savvy so I’ve been using my account for it, but she’s using her own iPad. She’s currently overseas.
I noticed some notifications about Facebook messages from people with suspicious-seeming names/profile pictures.
I found she’s apparently engaged in some “inappropriate” behaviour with a man, early-20s, for several months.
Recently, they’ve had their first sexual, unprotected, encounter. The conversation is very “descriptive.” She’s even mentioning the pain from intercourse.
I’m worried about her safety, her mental state, and his intentions. If I try to tell her this, she’ll be very embarrassed and think I’m spying on her.
While I understand her desires and needs as a widow, and agree she has every right to a relationship, I think that someone who could almost be her grandson is the wrong person.
He’s an almost stranger (what about STI’s?) who could have financial benefits from this as well. What do I do? — Worried and Embarrassed
ANSWER: Protect your mother. Drop everything and visit her for a week. Explain how you learned of her “boyfriend.” Tell her your concerns. Meet him.
If she assures you she’s not vulnerable to financial demands, and if she accepts that she must insist on protected sex, then her “relationship” is her business.
FEEDBACK Regarding the 21-year-old woman who’s been seeing a married man who has a child, for a year (June 5):
Reader — “Here’s the #1 future scenario for this Lonely Girl who misses her lover when he’s at his home at night:
He will leave his wife and child, you’ll be together, and he’ll cheat on you, too.
“This behaviour will shock you, but it shouldn’t, as he cheated on his current wife with you.”
Ellie — The reader is correct that the scenario described is most frequent. Even though “once a cheater, always a cheater,” doesn’t apply in every case, the signs point that way in this one.
He didn’t tell her he was married when he started the affair.
He claims to have no physical relations with his wife. Yet they have a baby. He claims he’ll divorce her — but sets the time for two years later. He’s using this young woman, period.
TIP OF THE DAY Online dating not working? Get out in person — community, school, faith, volunteering, and meet-up groups.
Email ellie@thestar.ca.