Penticton Herald

Charming cheater

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DEAR ELLIE: I met a guy online — it was instant attraction and connection on all levels. On our first date, he was all over me and offered sex, but I declined.

Since I was looking for a relationsh­ip, he was no longer interested in me, but we continued a nice friendship for nine months.

Then out of the blue, he was interested in me. We became intimate, and we both enjoyed the sex.

He kept saying we were friends-with-benefits. He was trying to minimize what we had.

We spoke daily, went shopping together, met for lunch, dinner, and coffee, and discussed family and personal issues.

I learned that he cheated on his wife with a long affair, and was living with the woman who’d become his mistress.

He ruined his family to be with her, though he still continued to victimize many females online.

He was juggling four or five women at a time. He’s very charismati­c, handsome, intelligen­t, with a fantastic smile.

He used me for many favours to save him money, as I’m well connected.

He even used me to buy his fiance’s engagement ring from my diamond dealer. He kept saying the ring was for a family member.

He’s getting married this month. He continues to be online, and is still cheating on her.

He’s still sometimes on my mind, and I miss the friendship we had.

— It Wasn’t Just Sex

ANSWER: He’s a charmer, a cheater, and a user.

He certainly considered you a useful “friend”(since he enjoyed your financial favours), but he’s set you free by marrying his mistress.

That’s lucky for you. Don’t let him charm you back into his net.

He’ll cheat again, that’s obviously his nature. Remember your own words: He “ruined” his family. There’s no relationsh­ip happiness with him, for anyone.

And don’t let the smile keep dazzling your perception. A truly caring guy doesn’t “use” his pals. And lie to them, as he did to you about the ring.

DEAR ELLIE: My friend smokes cheap cigarettes, lots of them, in his home and vehicle. He has a good-paying job and a nice home that’s foul because of this habit.

His clothes smell. He needs help cleaning up the smoke smell in his house, and never smoking indoors again, but I don’t know how to bring it up. He wants to start a woodworkin­g business out of his home, but with the current condition of the house, along with more smoking in the shop, nobody will want to purchase these items.

I’d love to be a kind, honest friend and say something, but I don’t know where to start.

— A Friend’s Duty?

ANSWER: Stopping smoking has to be his choice, not yours. While it can be done, it’s an addiction that pervades a person’s whole life.

It requires determinat­ion and strong will to challenge this long-ingrained, addictive habit.

So, just expressing the foulness of the smell is unlikely to move him.

However, if he’s serious about having a home-based business, you may succeed if you approach thoughtful­ly.

Encourage his plan; praise his artisan’s skills.

Mention that he’ll unfortunat­ely lose potential customers who can’t tolerate the smell of stale nicotine or being in a smoking environmen­t. Let him mull that over himself. If you see any interest at all, suggest he research the many smoking cessation programs available. There are also some medication­s that are helpful.

Be aware that, as a good friend, he’ll need your understand­ing and support if he does quit smoking, while he goes through the process.

TIP OF THE DAY A charmer is the most incorrigib­le type of cheater, because he can get “friends” to accept his schemes. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvic­e.

 ?? ELLIE TESHER ??
ELLIE TESHER

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