Girlfriend should be given another chance
DEAR ELLIE: I broke off a three-and-a half-year relationship with my female friend after being called a liar in an email from her, and told I couldn’t be trusted. I now wonder if I behaved intransigently.
I also learned that due to lack of trust, she had actually stalked me.
Prior to this recently ended relationship, I was married for 30-plus years till my wife’s death. I always prized and upheld honour, trust, and respect during the marriage.
So, not only was I surprised to be called a liar by my former girlfriend, but shocked to learn there was no trust.
I’m now wondering if I was too hard-nosed when I hung on to my principles and personal values.
Perhaps times have changed and a relationship can survive even when there’s no respect and trust.
ANSWER: No, respect and trust are still essential to a relationship, for it to last.
However, communication methods have changed dramatically since you last dated. Emails, texts, and posts are often sent hastily, and in cryptic forms with little explanation as to what prompted an angry reaction. This woman owes you a conversation in person, not to mention an apology for her insults and stalking.
You could then explain to her that her low blows prevented your wanting to find out what had upset her, and so instead, you shut down contact.
Because dating in these changed times is still new to you, this woman could be given one more chance. But if she resorts to sneaky measures and insults again, her lack of respect and trust will sour the relationship.
The problem becomes her, not her emails.
DEAR ELLIE: My husband of 45 years died suddenly, near Christmas.
Our adult children were here to celebrate the holiday with us.
The service went beautifully, with many friends, relatives, and co-workers present.
Though few of my former co-workers attended (I’m retired), I felt at peace about them recalling him fondly. Then a once-dear friend and past colleaguesaid how sorry she felt for me that, “hardly any of your former co-workers bothered to come. “
I was speechless. Her comment still upsets me.
I no longer consider her a dear friend and prefer to no longer communicate at all.
ANSWER: Grief lingers after a loss in many ways. But cutting her off won’t ease that inner sadness.
Also, some people are awkward at expressing themselves at funerals. It’s unlikely she meant to hurt you.
Give yourself a year to mourn without focusing on this indelicate remark or small slights.
Then decide if the friendship’s worth communicating again.
TIP OF THE DAY Having unprotected sex with multiple partners is a set-up for future problems you never considered. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.