Laughing, crying OK in grief
Many, if not all, of us have experienced loss in our lives. Whether it be a loved one or a close friend, not everyone handles or deals with the loss in the same way.
Dr. Bernie Siegel in his book, “365 prescriptions for the soul”, has some thoughtful and helpful ideas regarding our response to loss.
Siegel writes, “Everyone experiences loss, but many do not seek help to unlock the feelings that go with it and get stored within them. To bury grief and not express it can be self-destructive.”
He notes that when a death or deaths of a student occurs in a public school, therapists are sent to give support to fellow students who are affected by the loss; but therapists are not sent to one’s home or the hospital where loss is also experienced.
Siegel believes that “wallowing” in our grief does not help us either, but that “remembering the beauty of what we have lost” can be helpful.” As can our tears be both "normal and necessary to cleanse our wounds.”
In another of his prescriptions, he says that tears can come from our reaction to our loss, but also from laughter when something humorous is mentioned about the deceased person’s life.
As Siegel writes: “Laughter changes our body chemistry, makes us feel young again, and transforms relationships.” Certainly we have experienced this during a funeral service when something humorous is said about the deceased person.
It releases the tension that we can feel during the service.
I am reminded of a song or hymn which I have heard at funerals or celebration of life services: “Give to us laughter.” It contains, among other thoughts, the words “laughter can banish so much of our strife.”
As Siegel writes, “Tears of any kind cleanse the soul.” So crying or tears are healthy. We should not suppress them.
Often an obituary notice will say that, at the request of the deceased, there will be no service. When there is a service, Siegel believes that by attending the funeral service, we help lessen the sorrow for loved ones left behind.
And whether or not there is a service, he believes that by going to the home of the loved ones will have the same effect.
Of course we can’t get rid of the sorrow completely, but being there in person can help them at such times and show that we care about them and the loss they are experiencing.
As Siegel says, “By using what we have learned from the pain of our losses, we can ease the pain of those who are living with theirs." May it be so for us! Harvie Barker is a Penticton resident and writer of inspirational messages. He’s the author of the book, A Good Word in Season Volume 8, now available at the front desk of The Penticton Herald for $10 with all proceeds to local charity.