Frustrated hubby looking to rekindle romantic flames

DEAR ELLIE: My siblings and I are concerned for our younger sister, married 10 years to a controlling man. She’s the main breadwinner, expected to do all the housework though he doesn’t work. He answers their phone and decides if she can or cannot speak. Our conversations are always on speakerphone and he makes comments.

He controls who her friends are.

He’s told lies pitting siblings, spouses, nieces, and nephews against one another. She believes everything he says, even if the “lie” is revealed.

Lately, she’s refused to discuss problems with her husband and instead is now not talking to us. — Worried Siblings

ANSWER: If at all possible, one of you — perhaps whomever she’s been closest to at some time — should meet her unexpectedly, away from the house and him.

There may have to be an excuse — e.g. being “in the neighbourhood” (or her city if she lives elsewhere) — and wanted to connect.

That may be the only chance for a real conversation. Someone needs to see how she looks, behaves, and reacts to considering a safe plan to get away from his controls and isolation. But if there’s no other way to reach her, then be clear in all conversations that her siblings care about her, want to know that she’s okay, and will be there for her if needed.

DEAR ELLIE: We’ve been married for 35 years. We don’t sleep together. We don’t have sex any more.

I started viewing porn and she began freaking out.

We still love each other. How can we save what we have? — Want More

ANSWER: Talk love, not sex. Say how you feel about her, what she does that makes you laugh, how you miss her sometimes. Ask her what she loves about you and what you do that makes her laugh. Hug her. Bring her flowers. Hold her hand.

Suggest that you lie together in the bed sometimes. Avoid porn; she likely sees it as an insult to her.

When you’re feeling closer, ask her why you two stopped having sex. Does it hurt her? Has she asked her doctor about what can help (lubricants, for one example)?

Perhaps she needs more cuddling, more time to build desire. Ask her what you can do to make it better. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.