Relationship issue more important

DEAR ELLIE: My fiance lost his parents many years ago. His older sister is like a mother figure in his life.

I make great effort when it comes to his sister, always there for her whenever she needs someone to depend on or a shoulder to cry on.

Recently, my fiance and I hit a rough patch which we’re trying to work on.

His sister and I had plans to go out but, due to the situation, I cancelled.

When asked if I’m okay, I said, “not really.” She replied, “okay.” She didn’t bother to comfort me!

I felt that was really cold. I understand that she didn’t want to get involved. But, the least she could do was give me some words of encouragement.

I sent her this message: “You really know who’s there for you when you’re at your worst.”

She tried to call me several hours later but I’ve withdrawn. How should I treat this situation going forward? — Still Offended

ANSWER: Staying offended doesn’t help your feelings about the “rough patch,” nor your relationship with his sister.

Her return phone call signalled that she got your point and wanted to talk.

Just as a mother would, she has to support her brother emotionally, and was likely unsure of what to say to you that wouldn’t be disloyal to him.

Holding a grudge over her hesitancy is wasted deflection from the real issue of how to repair this rough patch. She’s not the problem.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man who has a friendly weekly conversation with a local librarian and wants to ask her out (August 8):

Reader — “He shouldn’t ask for a date while he’s chatting with her about books or any subject while she’s working.

“It becomes very awkward for her as she’s chatting with him in her professional capacity.

“He must wait until she’s outside of work, even wait until the end of her shift and walk out with her, and then ask if she’d like to go for a coffee once outside. “Never in the workplace. It’s inappropriate and undermines people, especially women, who are acting in their professional capacity.

“He’s interpreting her friendliness as being more than work-related.

“Wait staff, retail staff, nurses, doctors, accountants, etc. do not want their clients asking them out, during work, at work, ever.”

Ellie — A good point, as is suggesting a coffee after work, which she can refuse if uninterested.

TIP OF THE DAY During relationship difficulties, focus on your main problems, not small grievances with others.