Friendship one-sided
DEAR ELLIE: My once-best friend of five years and I first met online and a year later in person. I was 18, she was 22. We lived three hours apart.
I supported her through several relationship issues with various guys. She has insecurities, and is very jealous that her younger sister married and had children before her.
After breaking up with her last boyfriend, she moved alone into an apartment. I was glad she was taking time to figure out what she wanted.
However, two weeks later she was “swept off her feet.”
I visited her for a weekend and urged her to take it slow this time as she’d previously sleep with guys early on and move in too soon.
She told me that the new guy doesn’t work, and lives off disability due to a back injury.
He’s 12 years her senior, has two sons from his previous marriage, and was living alone in a rented room. Red flags, to me.
After a month of dating, she said he’s “The One.”
During my weekend visit, he’d constantly text her, call her, and drag her attention away from me. When we were having a girls’ night in her apartment, he texted that he was outside.
I was left in her apartment for almost two hours while she had sex in his truck in the parking lot. I was angry. She later apologized and said it’d be different next visit.
But then, too, she was constantly on the phone with him and sneaking off to have sex. When I finally met him, he said he’d “destroy me” in bed due to my small stature — in front her.
Our friendship became more distant after that as she was completely absorbed by him. He moved in and they bought a house together with HER money. Now she works over 60 hours a week while he collects disability.
She’s also paying for lawyers to get his two children back.
I told her I didn’t like him, nor how she’s treated me since she’s been with him.
I said I’d like a second chance to get to know him. But he blocked my profile on social media when she showed him my messages.
A year later, they were engaged according to Facebook. I congratulated her, but was told I wasn’t invited because it was going to be a small “family” gathering.
I sent congratulations and other cards but she never asked about MY life.
When they married, I “liked” the photos to show my support, but was unsure if I should message her.
Now, two weeks after the wedding, she’s finally deleted me from her social media.
Should I have sent a card or send one now? Or is my friend gone for good?
ANSWER: She was desperate to marry and hasn’t been your good friend for years. “Best” friends deserve more caring and the respect of mutualinterest in each other’s lives.
Your much-longer letter mentioned mostly texts between you, most seeming all about her.
Despite the prevalence of text and social media, being truly connected means givingtime to a friend, asking questions, sharing confidences and fun — even if there’s a boyfriend waiting.
Her marriage may or may not last. What’s certain is that, unless she gains a stronger self-image, she’ll repeat the same pattern with a next guy.
She may one day need you again, but unfortunately it’s unlikely to ever be an equal friendship. It’s not her way.
TIP OF THE DAY Don’t mistake a mostly-text relationship for a close friendship if there’s only one-way needs and self-interest.
Ellie Tesher was born in Toronto and has been working as a journalist for 25 years. She studied sociology at the University of Toronto before landing her first job at Children’s Aid as a case worker with foster children. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.