Love at first sight
DEAR ELLIE: I’m in love with someone whom I’m never going to see again in my life.
On a vacation with my family, I saw this guy on the same airplane as me. Later, I realized he went to the same resort where we were. I kept seeing him - at the beach or in the lobby. I couldn’t help but fall in love. There was something about him that I couldn’t resist. But I was too shy to ask for a way to communicate.
Now I’m never going to see him again and it brings me to tears.
I never believed in love at first sight. I’ve never even been in love before.
But now it feels like my whole world’s falling apart because I’m going crazy just thinking about him.
I didn’t know anyone else to talk to about it but you. I need help with coping, because whenever someone mentions the vacation, I cry. — Stuck in Love
ANSWER: You’re not “stuck.” Rather, you’re choosing to dwell in a state of pleasurable fantasy tinged with frustrated longing.
You’re hooked on the idea of love at first sight (LAFS).
According to Irish author and relationship coach, John Alex Clark, that first look at someone (e.g. on the plane) can trigger your subconscious into becoming attracted to this person (who’s actually a stranger to you).
It may, subconsciously, spark a comparison to someone from your past who meant a lot to you.
Next, enter the “halo effect” — the tendency to assign positive personality traits to people we find physically attractive.
So how can my telling you this help you stop crying?
Look deep inside your own memory and self-knowledge, to think about just what those personality traits are that you admire.
Then, look for those traits in the words and actions of men that you meet from now on — instead of concentrating only on their facial looks.
Next time you feel an attraction beyond the instant one from a gaze, gather your courage to say hello, and start a conversation.
You no longer need to cry. You’ve learned something positive and powerful about going beyond a first sighting, to finding its meaning and future usage specific to you.
And here’s some hopeful news out of a 2017 study from the University of Groningen in the Netherlands:
People who report LAFS along with a partner (who’ve created this memory together) tend to experience more love and passion in their relationship.
DEAR ELLIE: I’m a bride getting married soon. It’s very important to me and my family that Grace is said before the meal.
One family member on my groom’s side starts to chat, giggle or make comments whenever someone says Grace or a prayer.
Can I ask that person ahead to not be rude and disrespectful? Can I not invite him or ask him to leave if he’s not going to be respectful? — Worrying Ahead
ANSWER: You have the right to ask for your traditions to be respected at your wedding.
Your groom should talk to his family member unless the nature of their relationship makes it too awkward.
Either way, your feelings should be made known, firmly.
He should be told that this is so important to your family that if he cannot accept it and stay silent, he should wait until after Grace and prayers are said before joining in the celebration. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.