Fearing child’s safety

DEAR ELLIE: My daughter, 27, has lived with me along with my two-and-a-half year old grandson, since her marriage ended before the child was born.

She’d said her ex-husband was verbally and sexually abusive. I’ve supported her emotionally, financially for child care and other expenses, and any other help she needed.

Six weeks ago, she met a guy on a dating app. She’s spent almost every night with him since, coming home very late, even after learning that he abuses crack.

She’s started drinking heavily again. She’d quit drinking and marijuana use when pregnant.

He’s been verbally abusive towards me and controlling towards her.

After I discovered he was using crack and she said they’d broken up, I said he wasn’t welcome in my home.

However, she lied. Their relationship wasn’t over.

She’s also saying it’s my fault, and that I’m controlling by asking her where she is and when she’ll be home, though I’m looking after her son when she’s out.

She’s now saying she’s going to get a place with this guy and his male friend, and move with her son.

Her ex-husband has also discovered this, and is upset, saying he’ll pursue primary custody.

At this point, I’ll back him. Her girlfriends dropped her because of this guy and all her lies to them.

I’ve discovered that she’s been lying to me for years. I don’t even know any more if what she told me about her ex is true.

She’s told this guy that I’m controlling, unsupportive, and that she’s scared of me.

I’m terrified that my grandson will be exposed to drugs and alcohol and may end up being neglected due to her escalating dangerous behaviour. — Serious Fears for Grandson

ANSWER: She’s taking huge risks against her own well-being and her child’s.

Your position as her mother is fragile, because she can move with her child wherever she chooses.

However, the boy’s father may achieve primary custody if the proposed move is as you describe, and he also has your backing. But would he accept your involvement?

And how can you continue being a positive influence on the child?

I urge you to see a counsellor to discuss these issues, soon!

Ask for any strategies to approach your daughter about her choices — e.g. instead of blaming/accusing her about drinking and lies, asking how she sees a healthy future for her child.

If you feel you can’t trust her choices for the child’s sake, see a lawyer about your legal rights to frequent contact or even shared custody as a grandparent — especially since you’ve been closely involved since the child’s birth.

TIP OF THE DAY Fearing for a grandchild’s protection? Consult a counsellor, lawyer and/or children’s services.

Email ellie@thestar.ca.