Nag, nag, nag

Jimmy is busy playing in the den with his Lego set when he should be getting dressed for school. There are about 15 minutes left before Mom will be getting him into the car to drive to school.

Mom comes into the den and reminds him about what he should be doing: “Jimmy, I told you 10 minutes ago to go and get dressed for school and here you are playing with your Lego in your pajamas. Get dressed.”

Jimmy looks at her and sort of moves away from his toys as his mother goes into the kitchen. As soon as she has left he picks up a Lego piece and fits it onto his creation.

His mother comes back in 10 minutes obviously very angry because she grabs his creation, throws it into the Lego box, and yells at him as she smacks his behind: “I’m fed up with you and your doddling.”

Jimmy runs into his room and flops on the bed and cries for a few minutes. Just as he’s getting up, his mother comes into his room and screams at him: “I just told you to get dressed and you’re lying on your bed. If you aren’t into the car in three minutes fully dressed, you can walk to school on your own. I’m not going to drive you.” She leaves his room.

Sound familiar? Ever wonder how it got to be this way?

I see this type of situation quite often when asked to help parents with their kids’ behaviour.

In many of these situations the parent has developed an escalation of anger approach usually coupled with threats. There’s an obvious sense of frustration and feelings of being powerless as a parent.

Mother seems to need to resort to telling her child what to do by repeating it many times and getting angry at the end when her child has not responded.

In my experience, the main reason why the child needs a long series of directions from the parent is a lack of follow-through by the parent at an early stage. Another reason is the child may have learned over time to ignore any verbal requests.

This whole set of events can easily become a negative situation so that the child gets to a stage where they find the negative attention better than no attention at all.

To change this type of interaction requires three important strategies during the request and after that initial meeting.

First the parent should remain and ask the child to show them what they have requested the child to do. If the child seems unsure, show the child by doing it with him or her for a few moments, then step back and watch.

In some situations, it is often better to use a non-verbal request such as giving the child a card that has two pictures on it: one of the child doing the task and the other showing what it looks like when completed. Or you can signal by a non-verbal action related to the task and model the first part of the request then move away.

Remember that supported action and using positive incentives will usually go much further to teach your child how to be responsive and responsible.

Dr. Steve Lydiatt is a practising educational psychologist. He has been a teacher, consultant in autism, university professor and director of a disabilities centre. His specialties include learning disabilities and children’s behaviour issues. He can be reached by email: drsteve.educistics@gmail.com.