Curb impulses or lose ‘perfect’ girlfriend
DEAR ELLIE: I’ve been going out with a girl I love dearly and plan to marry. Two months into the relationship, I hit on her friend on social media and continued awhile.
I never did anything physical, but I did send text messages. Then, a couple of nights’ago, I lied to my girlfriend and invited one of my female friends over. I talked to her and asked her to do stuff, and she said no. I never physically cheated, but I did (cheat) through text messages.
The friends told my girlfriend and she was not happy. She’s giving me a chance to redeem myself, and I want to do everything in my power to prove to her that I’m deeply in love with her.
I want to prove this has nothing to do with her (she’s literally “perfect”), and that this will neverhappen again. — Bad Moves
ANSWER: It’s not about “proving.” It’s about finding out what motivated you to take these risks, or you’ll do it again. And that’ll be three strikes and out of your relationship.
Trace your own actions back to what you were doing at the time. Was drinking or druguse involved? If so, that doesn’t give you a pass. Rather, it informs you that you act recklessly when using. So, if you don’t cut back or develop control, you’ll mess up again.
Consider what triggered the sudden desire to hit on these women — alone for a night and feeling needy? Or a habit of impulsive and irresponsible texting?
Whatever answers you arrive at, be scrupulously honest with yourself. If you don’t curb these impulses, your girlfriend will dump you.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the mother whose daughter wants to transition to live as a boy (Oct 13):
“The letter-writer’s commended for her unconditional love and support for her child when he came out as trans. This isn’t easy as she apparently comes from a family with conservative values.
“I completed the transition process as an adult many years ago. It was successful socially on the home and work front, and medically.
“Initially, I didn’t get support from my conservative family members. I spent a considerable amount of time going through counselling with my parents, talking things out (both the planning of the steps, as well as discussing the emotions, impact, etc.).
“They slowly realized that my decision to transition wasn’t going to change, and came tounderstand my plans, what I’d considered, and the next steps to be taken.
(The unknowns are what people’s fear comes from, as I eventually understood).
“By the time I started the irreversible medical process they were all on board and I have their support, which is very important for the individual going through this, especially when the individual is young.
“I strongly suggest that the mother and childattend counselling together. Even if the counsellor doesn’t have much trans-specific knowledge, having one who’s open-minded and has dealt with gay/lesbian issues would be helpful.
“To the transgendered individual: Take it slow. Proceed one step, adjust to the change for a while, then consider whether you’re comfortable at this current state. If not, proceed to the next step and repeat the same cycle.
“Also, plan ahead for coming out to parents/relatives/friends, coming out at school/work.
“Be patient with your parents. Keep communications open and in a calm way.”
Ellie: This reader’s suggested resources and books:
http://www.hrc.org/explore/topic/transgender-children-youth
https://www.facebook.com/Parents-ofTransgender-Kids-102798079808117/ https://www.amazon.ca/My-ChildDEAR ELLIE: My daughter and her ex are both 23, lovers since age 17. They always fought a lot.
At 19, they moved to a basement apartment. He got a full-time low-paying job, she worked a few hours on weekends. When he couldn’t afford the rent unless she got a proper job, she left him.
That was a year ago. She immediately found a guy with more income and moved in. She avoided me because I disapproved. Her boyfriend moped for months, then found someone he said he cared about.
Now, my daughter says she still loves him and they’re getting back together. I think they have a “sick love” because they can’t grow up. — What Can I Do?
ANSWER: You could encourage both to return to school for training that’ll help them earn better and live better. Only offer help (if affordable)on the condition that they stick to it. They’ll either grow up together or grow apart. Ellie’s tip of the day If you don’t identify and curb your impulses to text or make moves in a cheating manner, you’ll mess up relationships that matter.