Calm, firm approach best to deal with non-compliance

Our early learning columnist explains the Only Once approach to child discipline

Mother asks her son to pick up his toys because it is time for bed: “No, I won’t” is the response. Or a child when asked to stop doing something not good, ignores the parent. This is non-compliance in action. What is non-compliance? 1. The child fails to begin doing what he/she was clearly asked to do, usually within 15 seconds.

2. The child fails to keep doing what he/she was asked to do until the job is finished.

3. The child fails to follow previously taught rules of conduct in a specific situation, such as at school, at the store, or with friends.

Non-compliance can occur equally in girls and boys although how they do it can be different. Small incidents of non-compliance are OK as they are natural for most young children.

However, when they are consistent (two or more a day) and have strong reactions attached, then it is a problem.

It’s not unusual at home for young children to display outright defiance such as responding to instructions or requests with "No," or "I don't have to!" Failure to comply with household rules is also common, but usually when young children break rules they do it impulsively, without realizing it.

When the non-compliance becomes serious, a specific approach is often needed to reduce the problem. I often have parents start with a technique I developed called Only Once. If this is used consistently for three to four weeks, in my experiences, most children show fewer instances; and other approaches can be used such as counting one, two, three and then taking action. Only Once: When a child is given a directive, right after the statement is given, the child has two choices: comply or not comply. In most situations, it is obvious after 15 seconds whether the compliance is going to occur or not.

Whatever the adult does right after the directive, there is the possibility of reinforcing the child’s behavior. How to use Only Once: 1. Provide the child with a clear statement of what you want him to do: e.g. sit up and stop the ….

2. Wait 10 seconds while watching him/her.

3. If he/she complies, praise him/her for listening and following your directive.

4. If he/she shows some form of noncompliance, immediately take him/her to the time out place in the home. While moving him/her, do not talk even if he/she asks something. 5. Place him/her in the time-out place, show two or three fingers to indicate the length of the time out. 6. Walk away and observe from a distance. 7. If he/she tries to leave, walk over, say nothing, put him/her back and stay there. If needed, you can hold him/her there by either blocking him/her or place a hand on his/her shoulder…. No talking.

8. When the time out is complete, take him/her back to the activity…. No comments at this time.

9. At a later time, sit down and talk about why the time out was needed.

Dr. Steve Lydiatt is a practising educational psychologist. He has been a teacher, consultant in autism, university professor and director of a disabilities centre. His specialties include learning disabilities and children’s behaviour issues. He can be reached by email: drsteve.educistics@gmail.com.