Careful getting caught on rebound

DEAR ELLIE: Last year I became friends with a guy at our company Christmas party. He has a higher job than mine.

Three weeks later he contacted me and we’ve kept contact and having lunches. At the party, he’d mentioned that he was going through a possible separation.

Though I felt a connection with him, I never allowed it to progress due to his status, nor did I want to be his rebound.

He never expressed any feelings towards me but he made sure to stay connected.

He throws a passive aggressive fit of behaviour every time he sees me with my male friends at work or on social media with them.

Yet he confides in me about the few women he has interest in perusing. He’s interested in dating now that he’s moved out and separated from his wife and also tells me his dating stories.

I’ve stepped back from our friendship (again, no rebound for me) but he makes sure to stay in touch.

Assuming that he could possibly be interested in me, why would he tell me his dating stories? It’s a turn-off to me.

Our company does not have any restrictions on dating in the office, but I’m careful about work/pleasure involvement and he’s also mentioned that.

Confused ANSWER: He’s too-recently separated for you to try to pin down what his motives are.

Meanwhile, you’re wise to be definite that you’re not prepared to be anyone’s rebound, then get left behind, which is how that scenario usually goes.

Also, since you both have hesitations about workplace relationships, any move to start dating should be discussed first with a stated understanding that it’s not frivolous but open to a future.

Otherwise, stay casual friends only and maintain your boundaries.

DEAR ELLIE: My question is about success. Some weeks I lack motivation and passion. It comes and goes. Is this normal?

In recent years, I’ve become more lazy, barely skimming by, and getting exhausted at menial tasks.

I definitely have depression, but this is different. Perhaps I haven't found my passion yet?

I’m afraid to make plans because I usually want to cancel them when they come up.

I also fear my future career success. How to fix this?

Unmotivated ANSWER: As a relationship advisor, I periodically find that while some questions — like this one — appear way out of my field, (and this one does need some referral to other disciplines), there’s still the relationship with yourself involved.

But I’m starting with the immediate need: If a doctor hasn’t diagnosed your “depression” with treatment recommended, see one. If it’s been diagnosed, understand that it plays a part in your lack of motivation, as does any medication you’re taking. Have the dosage checked.

Also, a medical check-up on your general health, from that same doctor, might also point to reasons for your feeling “lazy” and easily exhausted.

And, if you’re experiencing hormonal changes, these too can affect your energy and mood, and should be discussed with a physician.

As for other help you might seek — consider career counselling, to see where your current skills and interests take you now, and what additional courses or pursuits might stimulate your ambition and self-confidence more.

Now, here’s the “relationship with yourself” advice: Be your own advocate.

Get pro-active seeking answers, and believe in yourself that you can surmount various challenges once you have the right information.

Moodiness and fear never brought positive solutions to work on with self-confidence.

Individual counselling can also help you better understand yourself.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman’s friend who made lewd sexual remarks about her brother (Oct. 15):

Reader — “This is an ugly situation. That anyone makes ‘very lewd’ comments about what they’d do sexually to anyone else, is stunning, ugly behaviour and not okay whether that person is family or not.

“The comments were described as something to be done ‘to’ someone, not voiced with hopefulness that it could be consensual and reciprocated. The intended recipient isn’t even being considered a person, but as an object.

“The letter-writer says she wouldn’t want similar kinds of things said about her sister. Is it acceptable, then, to say them about someone walking down the street? A neighbour, or co-worker?

“And, she’d prefer ‘he keep those comments to himself, or when I’m not around’ which implies they have similar kinds of conversations about others, and she just wants family members to be off limits. “This is ugly from both friends.” ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY: When a dating relationship appears problematic, state your concerns and boundaries.