Controlled friendship
DEAR ELLIE: I’m a single woman, early-40s who thought I’d met my perfect partner a year ago. We shared a few interests from the start. We also enjoyed an active social life.
That’s how I first noticed that he used drugs — not my choice — but I thought he could handle them, until he over-dosed and I feared he’d die. It didn’t stop his using nor drinking to excess.
After some months, when we went out, he always had some reason he had to leave early, and I’d go to my home alone. I was starting to suspect something, so I checked his phone and found that he’d been meeting up with several different women, though he’d led me to believe that we were exclusive. I was devastated.
I ended the relationship, and it took me a while to get over him. Recently, he called to say that he’d lost his job, just weeks after his father died suddenly. He says he’s miserable, misses me, and needs my support.
I lost love and respect for him when I discovered he’d cheated and deceived me for months. But I feel conflicted now about ignoring his plea for help. Do I owe him my support?
What’s Owed or Lost? ANSWER: Trust is lost, so is respect, and little is “owed” other than some compassion for his grief. Don’t even consider renewing the relationship. His serious issues — addictions, lying, cheating — will drag you down, while he relies on you to rescue him.
He needs to turn his life around himself — addiction counselling and rehab, a support group of recovered addicts, and therapy to understand why he lies and cheats, so he can learn other ways to deal with people.
That’s his challenge but not your responsibility. Tell him what serious supports he must find on his own, and wish him well.
FEEDBACK
Regarding the woman, married for 20 years to a man with whom she’d had an affair for 10 years prior to his divorce, who’s now being controlled financially by him (Nov. 7):
Reader — “To the 62-year old woman who “stuck by her man” as “THE OTHER WOMAN” for 10 years, I’d say KARMA’S come calling in a big way!
“I’m the “WIFE” who endured her husband’s “other women” far more than 10 years!! Oh, those heartfelt promises from a heartless body that was his. And those barefaced lies from seemingsincere, puppy dog sad eyes!”
Ellie — Understood. It’s no surprise that there’s no sympathy there from you, for any “other women” in married men’s lives.
Still, this particular woman, now ill, facing major surgery and no longer able to work, wrote about his having taken away her personal debit card, ending her financial freedom.
She deserved an answer from me. Ellie’s tip of the day A controlled friendship offered instead of a romantic relationship, will always feel like “crumbs.” Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.