Girlfriend almost married a pothead

QUESTION: When my girlfriend and I were split up, she dated another guy.

After that ended and we got together again, she said it’d just been a dinner-date relationship of a few times. Because she worked two jobs, I believed her.

I figured, because their relationship wasn’t serious we could pick up where we left off. After several months of dating again, we moved in together.

Three months later, I learned that the two had been in a serious relationship, talking marriage.

I learned that the guy was 43, smoked pot regularly, worked intermittently, played video games a lot, and lived in his parent’s house.

He proposed to her after a week of dating. He planned to quit his job and take care of the house because her two jobs made enough money to support them both.

My ex was still training at my studio after our split and we’d still go for coffee together. But all the time she was dating this guy, if

I’d ask if she had a new boyfriend, she’d say no.

There was no reason for her to lie.

We’d split up partly because I had to spend a lot of time with my adult daughter who had mentalhealth issues.

When I got my daughter on a good path, I thought I could see if my girlfriend wanted to try again.

Only then did I find out she was dating.

My issues now:

1) If I’d known about them being in a serious relationship I’d have taken much more time moving forward before moving in together.

2) She’s smart, athletic and attractive. I can’t believe she’d get involved with a low-life pothead.

3) I was led to believe they never had sex so am thankful I didn’t catch a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

4) There were many lies from her as we got back together and I feel misled by the woman I’d trusted. I moved in with her based on those lies.

I haven’t been able to touch her since discovering all this (five months) so our sex life’s non-existent.

She’s moved out, but we still want to try to save the relationship.

I can handle a break-up but would like to give it a chance. I just don’t know how to get past all the resentment.

— Lies and Uncertainty

ANSWER: The relationship will have no chance unless she explains to you why she lied.

The problem is, she may not have admitted the reasons to herself.

You felt you had to take a break from the relationship to help settle your adult daughter on a good path. Admirable, in my view.

But your girlfriend’s reaction was to date a seemingly odd-choice guy who immediately wanted to marry her (even a smart, attractive woman can feel insecure).

Possibly, a clue why she hung around with the guy, until she broke up with him.

Then you came back to her.

Yes, she lied. And mis-trust is a very bad foundation for a long-term relationship.

She’s been unable to explain herself. You’ve been unable to touch her sexually. Yet, you say, “we still want to try to save the relationship.” You don’t mention love.

Take the next step. Tell her you need to know only truths and the reasons behind them.

Accept together that this may only be possible through both of you talking to a couples’ counsellor (online is fine).

You may learn to understand each other’s hurts and needs, and start touching and loving again.

QUESTION: My mother died recently, after years of dominating my life with her demands. She was strong, stubborn, and could be mean to us, her daughter and sons, if she didn’t get her way.

I’m grieving, though I never thought I would.

She lived into her late-80s, had been successful in her work life, and lacked for little since my brothers and I supported her staying in her own home.

— Why Am I Grieving?

ANSWER: Loss is painful. Especially so, when the relationship was difficult with the person who was supposed to love you most.

Grief in such cases reminds of all the losses that came before — e.g. perhaps, an often tense childhood, guilt feelings imposed by a parent’s displeasure, etc.

Yet, she was your mother. She brought you into this world and though she affected your life, it’s been yours to improve, and still is. Say Goodbye, and move on.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

In a relationship, when someone you trusted lies to you, the reason may be different from what you think.

Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvice