Mexican man worries lover

QUESTION: I’m in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives in Mexico. I’m worried about our relationship because he has three daughters from two different women.

One daughter lives with her mother in the United States. He’s lost touch with both mother and child and is trying to find them to again have contact and relationship with his daughter.

But it sometimes feels that he’s spending more time talking to his family than me and my 17-old daughter (from someone else). I’ve said that I feel a little neglected.

Sometimes he says things about me that he doesn’t intentionally mean, but to me he comes across as insensitive or hurtful.

I know he still truly wants to be with me because I’ve talked to him about that, and he said so.

I’m supposed to return to Mexico in November, hopefully for six months to live with him in his house and see how we’re get along when spending time together in person.

We need to do this before making any more serious plans.

But I have doubts because I’ve tried to talk to him about the way he sometimes talks to me. He doesn’t understand how I feel and doesn’t totally see it my way as I think he should.

Should I continue the relationship and go to Mexico, or not?

— Two Countries

ANSWER: You’re clear on what you want for yourself — more attention, more agreement with your thoughts — but you show little grasp of your boyfriend’s strong reasons to be worried and distracted:

Three daughters, their two mothers, no contact with one mother and his child.

Will living together awhile improve your relationship? Not if your measure of him is only about how attentive he is to you and your daughter.

It’s a complicated relationship — long-distance during travel difficulties (plus MexicoÌs high rate of COVID-19 infections and limited medical resources).

And a man who already has important relationships to juggle.

You’d have to be a very confident, giving, understanding woman for this union to last.

Currently, I’m doubting it. But, since the decision’s still yours to make, focus first on your own young daughter, so that she’s secure in your attention.

QUESTION: A few months ago, I was rushed to a hospital with severe stomach pain and vomiting green bile.

My husband of two years (no children) recently returned to working at the office.

He said it’d be faster if I called an ambulance.

I did. My appendix burst just as we arrived.

I was scared to be in a hospital during a pandemic, but I was well cared for. I called my husband daily.

He kept saying that things were “crazy busy” at the office. He never visited me.

Ever since I’ve been home and healing, I keep remembering one nurse’s aide asking me”

“Where’s your husband?”

I knew there was no explanation that either she or I would accept.

Do you think this warrants my divorcing him?— Absent Husband

ANSWER: It certainly warrants a conversation that goes beyond “busy office.”

Was he so scared of catching COVID that he clung to the busy excuse?

Or, does his reputation on the office team matter more than supporting his wife through a serious health scare and surgery?

He owes you an explanation. Even if unacceptable, counselling may still help your marriage, if he’ll go with you.

If not, go yourself and take a break period to decide on divorce.

Read Ellie Tuesday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.