Sexual fantasy about neighbour worries wife

QUESTION: During our dating period and throughout our five-year marriage, sex has been a huge part of our relationship.

My husband particularly likes fantasies. He’ll phone me from the condo garage, saying “I’ll be upstairs in four minutes and I’ve got a great scene for us to play.”

Sometimes he’ll get an idea from porn. Or he’ll name a Hollywood couple whom we’ll fantasize aloud about, during sex.

But now, approaching 36, I’m thinking that it’s time we discuss starting a family instead.

When I told him this, he went into a dark mood for several days. Then, suddenly, instead of playing fantasy games, he insisted we talk about real people we know.

He wanted me to tell him any sexual fantasies that I’ve had with others — e.g. he mentioned a college professor I once said had been “hot” when I was in his class.

I was uncomfortable as he sounded so serious about this.

So, he went first, telling me about his fantasy about a neighbour in our building whom he occasionally meets in the elevator or lobby.

I felt sick. She’s late-20s, slim and very attractive. She’s also very smart with a good job, and a keen tennis player. His fantasy included comments on her clinging tennis dress.

I just walked away. We haven’t discussed it since, but he’s still distant with me, and there’s been no sex for a week.

Is my husband addicted to sexual fantasies?

— Confused and Hurt

ANSWER: Unlike fantasies from porn or Hollywood, your husband introduced a sexualized image of someone who could threaten your trust in him.

Why?

His dark mood prior to his fantasy might indicate that:

• he isn’t ready to start a family or talk about it;

• he was warning you to back off, with his fantasy about an attractive woman who’s accessible nearby.

California sex therapist Dr. Nagma V. Clark has written: “It’s perfectly normal and healthy for individuals and couples to have sexual fantasies. A rich erotic imagination goes hand in hand with a fulfilling sexual connection.”

I’d agree in most cases, but your husband’s used this fantasy about a neighbour like a warning. Sex talk either happens as he says, or he retaliates.

Before raising the idea again of getting pregnant, first be certain that you’re equally committed to your future together.

However, it is the right time for talking to a sex and relationship counsellor. You’ll find such professionals in your area through an online search. You can meet either virtually, through phone conversation or, in some locales, in person.

QUESTION: I’ve been married for 20 years, father of two teenagers.

I’ve worked from home for five years before the pandemic struck. My wife had worked outside, but that ended. Since midMarch, we’ve been together in the house. I’m happy with that.

I’m very nervous about the coronavirus and prefer to stay in, and order food in, when we’re tired of cooking.

But my wife now wants to eat on a restaurant patio, visit in a friend’s backyard, socially distanced, etc.

She’s even suggesting an overnight stay at a friend’s cottage. I just can’t do it.

She’s so upset that she’s threatened to leave me.

— My Wife or My Safety?

ANSWER: If your health isn’t compromised, it’s high anxiety that’s driving your fears. Hiding inside unnecessarily isn’t a healthy model for your teenagers and is unfairly hard on your wife.

Call a local hotline for access to online mental health help, itÌs an important, accessible service during COVID-19.

QUESTION: My friend wants me to walk with her, but she stops every time someone comes near her or isn’t wearing a mask. It’s so uncomfortable that I don’t want to walk with her though we both need the exercise.

She also berates store employees for not wearing their masks properly or allowing too many shoppers into the store.

I won’t shop with her, but the employees know we’re friends and complain to me about her.

I feel that she has a choice to not give them her business, or take her complaint to the store manager/owner. Your thoughts?

— Annoyances

ANSWER: These are some persistent aggravations of daily life in the time of coronavirus.

The fears behind them are huge, however. We’re hoping to survive a pandemic that has stolen innocent lives across the globe and isn’t finished.

Weigh your choices. She’s a friend but not a shopping companion. Walk with her when feeling generous, since exercise is important.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Sexual fantasies are normal and healthy, if both parties benefit from them.

Read Ellie Tuesday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.