Single life something worth celebrating

QUESTION: I’m a single woman, age 38, who’s never been in a relationship which I expected to last.

My first crush was in middle school when I was 12 and a classmate said she liked my hair. We “fooled around” once at her place when her parents were at work.

In high school, my figure developed and there were some one-off dates with guys only wanting to have sex right away. I wasn’t ready.

By college, I intentionally lost my virginity to learn what it’s all about. I finally hooked up with one surprised guy to have sex together, as needed.

My first job was in another city where I lived in a diverse area and became close with the man next door — older, streetwise, sometimes remote, and sometimes loving.

We broke up regularly, then re-connected, until he said he’d met someone from his same background. It was over and I wasn’t surprised or hurt.

Facing 40, I’m wondering if I’m just not meant to be in a long-term relationship, and if it matters.

I wonder if, as my friends’ children get older and start dating, marrying, etc., if I’ll be the dotty old “auntie’ who never had a serious partner, or I’ll just be considered a loser.

— Still Single ANSWER: Being single is a choice,

NOT a loser’s label. It’s also fully open to a rewarding lifestyle if you make it so.

Your account reveals a woman who has developed self-awareness and a strong will, as well as learning to take charge of your personal needs, including sex.

Depending on your job and finances, you can take up any level of whatever draws you because you’re the sole decision-maker - be it following cultural interests from art to opera, volunteering in any field of humanitarian work, and/or participating in any sport or activity.

In most of western society, you can befriend and socialize with available men without having to attach yourself to one. Your sexual life is also your choice.

If you miss being involved with children, countless youngsters need adults willing to give time and caring, as Big Sisters, team coaches, etc.

There are no “losers” in the above lists of life options open to singles looking for a meaningful future.

Consider these positive statements from a 2016 American Psychological Association address by Bella DePaulo Ph.D., described as “America’s foremost thinker and writer on the single experience:”

“People who are “single at heart” embrace single life. Living single is how they live their best, most authentic, most meaningful lives. They’re not single because they have “issues” or haven’t found “The One.”

“When people are drawn to single life and when they thrive there, it’s for positive and deeply significant reasons, such as:

Singles savour their solitude and its profound rewards.

Singles embrace bigger, broader meanings of relationships and love. They care about “the ones,” not just The One.

Singles develop diversified skills. The kinds of tasks that newly-divorced and newly-widowed people need to learn are ones that lifelong single people have already mastered.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the man who wondered if he should give the woman who cheated on him a second chance:

Reader: Throughout my life I’ve never cheated on anyone I dated or lived with. I was brought up to respect the relationship.

If you’re attracted to someone else, break up. Don’t lead on or deceive the one you’re with, because it hurts in many ways. That woman who cheated deserves No second chances.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the issue of parents’ second marriages possibly interfering with their children’s inheritance:

I’m 64. My spouse and I purchased a house late in life. We now forego any luxuries,

We’re paying down our mortgage to leave our sons a fully-paid house. This is our choice for leaving them a final, worthy gift.

However, an inheritance is not the property of children until the parents die and bequeath that final gift to them.

We should all be more worried about the life and comfort of our aged parents, encourage them to do what’ll make them happy, and realize that their assets are their own, earned, usually, with a lifetime of hard work.

If any one of us is so lucky to be bequeathed a final gift, we should realize that came of sacrifices parents chose to make by not spending it on their own life.

READER’S COMMENTARY: In response to the women and men who’ve said that first dates expect too much (in several columns):

“I’ve found this to be so, and it’s one reason I’ve been celibate and single for 28 years, after four bad marriages: I do not trust my judgment.

I’ve used artificial means to help survive the lack of intimacy, but it just doesn’t replace a real live man — his smell, warmth, strength, aura.

A companion/friend with benefits would be wonderful, for example, a single man who enjoys some things that I enjoy, especially sex, and who doesn't want immediate commitment.

I’m not looking for the immediate. By senior age, meaning over 65, we need easing into trust and experience. Other women my age feel the same way.

We find that men in this age group want to be looked after, to jump into sex rather than eased into it with mutual respect and affection.

I think they’re trying to live a fantasy life after long years of monogamy, then divorce or widowhood.

I believe women are more realistic by 65 and don’t want to totally surrender their independence, but still have needs only a man can fill, part-time.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Living single by choice is not a barrier to a meaningful life.