Stepmom gets no thanks from stepdaughter

QUESTION: I’ve been a stepmother to my 30year-old stepdaughter for 13 years, since her highschool senior year. She lives elsewhere and has avoided travel due to COVID-19

I also have two grown children from a previous marriage. I’ve worked full-time throughout my second marriage.

I strived to be a supportive, generous stepmom. My husband and her mom divorced when she was a baby. She has no recollection of her parents’ marriage.

I always gave her thoughtful gifts for her birthday or milestones.

She comes from extreme affluence on all sides. Her mom and stepdad lavished her with designer purses, global travel and exotic holidays.

Her dad’s been more modest but no expense is spared.

My own adult children give my husband birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, etc., but my stepdaughter has never given me a thank-you text, email, card or phone call, though my gifts related to her interests/hobbies, etc.

I still never received a thank-you for the gifts I sent for her 30th birthday.

Her dad makes excuses when I mention this lack of saying thank-you over all these years.

Is it time for me to stop extending the olive branch?

— Fed Up Stepmom ANSWER: Extending an “olive branch” is about making peace, to bring a conflict to an end.

Yet the “conflict” here is a years-long silent standoff on the part of your stepdaughter.

What “peace” do you see achieving? If you just stop gifting her for future birthdays and milestones, she’ll easily distance further from contact with you, and not just over gifts.

Also, your husband who already makes excuses for her, will become even more uncomfortable - maybe having to visit her on his own, possibly offering more expensive gifts as soothers.

Since nothing’s changed in 13 years, I suggest you try a more casual and friendly approach.

Have her father contact her for a video chat and join right after it’s started. Keep the conversation warm, upbeat, and interested in what’s she’s doing.

Ask about her friends, her current interests, etc. Send no gifts related to that conversation. Instead, try to set a pattern of those reaching-out conversations every few weeks.

She may be slow to enthusiasm about your interest, but with both you and her father connecting with her, it’ll be hard to brush you off.

Also, when there’s an occasion on which her father would normally send her a gift, ask him to now include you in the signed card, so the gift reflects your partnership.

Your relationship with her may benefit from this re-set, with you showing you care about the woman she is, far more than your receiving any thanks.

QUESTION: When we got engaged, my husband insisted that we live with his parents to save our money for buying our own home. We both had decent-paying jobs, so I agreed.

But his mother took control of the wedding arrangements, causing us to spend far beyond our means.

After three years of her insisting that we do everything her way, my husband going along with it, and his father saying nothing, I realize that we’ll never move out.

I’ve decided to get a divorce.

— Need Your Thoughts

ANSWER: You don’t mention love for your husband — that’s a strong sign of your motivation and ability to move on alone.

Make a plan - how/where you’ll live - then focus on your well-being, maybe including counselling to put this experience into perspective.

With no kids involved, consider this divorce as a clean break.

QUESTION: My friend is regularly dating two men. She juggles arrangements with them and has even tripped herself up by expecting the wrong one to be coming over for dinner, when she’s actually cooked a dish her other lover requested.

She tells me everything, sometimes including details that I don’t want to know. I have to admit that her flagrant lifestyle is fascinating at times, but I also feel worried that her confiding everything will soon ruin our friendship.

She’s a fascinating intelligent woman in other respects, and I enjoy the friendship on other levels of discussion.

How do I get out of being the person that she trusts will keep her secrets because my life is so ordinary by comparison?

— Too Much Information ANSWER: Be busy. When she makes contact with you, talk about the pressing demands of your work, or projects to which you’ve committed, or family needs. She won’t be interested and will end the conversation.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Step-parents need their partner’s support in trying to build a relationship with step-children.

Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca

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